Does That Make Me Crazy? Possibly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well my crazy train stops here. I will NOT forgive him this time. He does not deserve my love or my friendship. Over the last couple years, I have given second (third, fourth, fifth) chances to men who are undeserving. This needs to change. Steven believes he can talk to me like I am insignificant, disposable. Do you know how hurtful that is coming from someone you spent nearly 3 years of your life in love with? But after this same type of fight several times, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of him telling me to leave HIM alone (as he's texting me repeatedly), of him telling me that he and I are never ever going to happen, of being told to move on. Well challenge accepted buddy. There are no take-backs this time. There are no drunken apologies and "I didn't mean it". Yes you did. And you know what, I don't care. I am better than this. I am better than you. And it really sucks that he treated me like this because I could have missed out on a really great relationship because I am fearful of being hurt again. So when I first saw something in Jared that held a glimmer of something that Steven did, I froze. I got fucking scared and I ended it. Chances are, Jared is not the right guy for me. But what happens if my fears make me end up losing the right guy? What if I don't ever get over this insecurity, this crippling fear of loving someone to actually love someone else? This is the damage Steven has done with his comments, his coldness, his meanness. I never imagined in my life I would fall in love with someone who is so much like Jeckyll and Hyde. That there could be someone who could fool me with his kindness, his determination, his humor and make me fall in love to flip a switch and become someone who seemingly gets his kicks off making me cry. There is something mentally, emotionally wrong with him and I am not going to waste any more of time trying to fix him. I am a strong girl, I am not a stupid girl. I just got lost my balance I guess. So now I pick up the pieces, I depend on the people that actually do love me and care about me, and get myself back. It's not going to be easy, I am so beyond messed up that I can't put into words how broken I have become. But I won't be like him. I won't hurt someone who loves me with all he has because someone else broke me. I won't take someone's genuine love and destroy it because I can. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe I'm just the one who got caught in his web, someone who played his game so well.

I hope you understand the gravity of what you’ve done. This isn’t like every other fight we’ve had when you drink too much and make me cry. This isn’t about you saying things you don’t mean, this is about you finally being honest with me and I just don’t care. You don’t get to apologize this time in a few days or weeks and come crawling back. There are no apologies that will fix this, there are no words you can say or things you can do to win me back this time. You have made what could be the greatest mistake of your life and I’m not going to be sorry for that. I don’t pity you for losing your cool or drinking too much. You are an adult that doesn’t even begin to know what respect is. You are a user, an emotional abuser and a liar. I’m just sorry that it took me 3 years to learn that. 

Kaleidoscope

I'm completely convinced that Taylor Swift broke into my house, stole my journal, photocopied it, and then put it back. I swear that the girl and I are cosmically connected and our breakups are freakishly alike. Lately, I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't been myself and I've let people who essentially don't matter at all get me down. I have let little comments and looks get under my skin and I've convinced myself that one of the nicest people I know was deliberately doing things to hurt me. That is how messed up I've been from my "break up" in February. I think that everyone is playing mind games and trying to break me. Thing is, when you've lost everything, all you have left is your strength.

I watched T Swift's new video for her song "I Knew You Were Trouble" and she has this monologue at the beginning, and anyone who knows me, knows this sounds exactly like something I would say or write:

"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes backs but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything that he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And crazy thing is I don't know that I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how could the devil be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it wasn't losing him, it was losing me.... I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are".

That's exactly how I feel about Steven. I don't know why I let him come back, because every time I lose him again, it hurts even more. And then I find myself sitting in my bed at night remembering everything about him. Trying so hard to put the pieces back together. But that's all it ever is, just pieces. It's never something whole, never something I can hold in my hands for too long. I don't understand how he can convince me to let him back under my skin. I know the outcome every single damn time. But I keep letting it happen. It's the same way you know that you should stop drinking at some point but the free fall is so intoxicating that you don't even care what's on the other side. One minute with him is better than two without. Those minutes without him though? They are torture. It's a mixture of anger and sadness and not being able to breathe or see straight. It's like trying to keep your balance on a tight rope. Essentially, you're terrified but you know you have to see it through because you're too far gone to ever go back.

...Blah.

I want to know that I am worth fighting for. I want to feel like I'm wanted and needed. It's ridiculous that I'm always the one left upset because I wanted more than what I was given. I want to be with a guy who will drive 2 hours to see me for 1, the guy who will just hold me when I'm feeling sad or down, a guy who understands what he has when he has it. You know what really upsets me? That at some point, he decided he wasn't going to fight for me, that he wasn't 100% in this thing, but he can turn around and 2 months later decide he can date someone else and be there for her. Maybe it's easier for her, maybe she doesn't ask much out of him, maybe she isn't trying to make him see his potential. Especially after the talk we had a few weeks ago. I thought that would make him try to get me back. He kissed me, he held my hand. Don't do those things if you aren't going to follow through. I don't know. All I know is that he was the last person I ever expected to hurt me. He was the last person I thought would give up on me. Guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I am always, always wrong about the men in my life.

Not the end

Through all the nights that I stayed up thinking about what I could have done trying to remember what it could have been, it never once did occur to me that maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe it wasn't either of our faults. I hated you for never telling me what it was but now I get it. Telling me would have broken my heart more than silently disappearing. And maybe secretly yourself didn't quite understand. But it's clear now. It wasn't you. And it wasn't me. It was the time, and it was the people we surrounded ourselves with. Not everything meshes perfectly. Maybe we did, but they didn't and at the time it was a package deal. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be sorry for anything. And I'm sorry you can't be either. Because it would all be so much simpler to hate you. And it would be easier. But it's not all so black and white. And I'm okay with that. I guess this is what they call closure. Our sad tale finally at an end. And while it may not be the happily every after that most girls dream of, I'm content with it. Because this means that it's not the end of me. __________________________ I wrote that 4 months ago about Steven when I believed he and I were done and he was never coming back. But then he did. And I don't know what I'm suppose to feel. He is the only guy I've ever been with that I actually want to be around all the time. I'm happy he's back. I feel whole again. But I keep holding my breath, waiting for him to leave again. I keep hoping this will be the time that it makes sense to him, that he will realize that being together is better. That we are better people when we have each other to reach out to. I don't know what to do to make him see that. So I just love him and hope it's enough.

The Weight of Goodbye

A strange thing happens when you make the mental decision to leave a place, regardless if it's a move taking place in the immediate future or quite some time away, you begin to crave closure. You inadvertently start tying up loose ends. If you're like me, you start with the person who saying goodbye to will probably hurt the most. It seems to make the next goodbyes a little easier.

While nothing is set in stone yet, it seems to be a very good possibility that I will be leaving this town I have called home for the last 6 years. My first reaction when I was offered this amazing opportunity was "I can't leave the place where he can always find me". At first I believed this meant Steven. The one that got away, the one I could never get to love me. But as more time as gone on this week and the idea of leaving it all behind sunk it, I realized that person I didn't want to leave behind wasn't just Steven. It's Jared as well. And so last night, I found myself crying and in deep conversation at 2 in the morning (perfectly normal time to have heart to hearts right?). And I don't think I found closure at all. Talking with Jared got a lot on the table that we both had been hiding away but all it made me do was fall back in love with the guy. Or at least the parts of him that I've always loved best. If I do leave, leaving him is going to be heartbreaking. I can't seem to figure out why it doesn't add up with us. It looks like it should but when I sit down and really think it over, there's always something missing. Some piece of him, some piece of me that doesn't work or doesn't exist. Maybe we need time and space to grow separately. But the idea of not running into him scares me. Because even though it gets hard to see him, when I catch a glimpse of him when I walk into somewhere that he's at, I feel like I've come home. But none of it makes sense. But I guess I just go and hope that if it's meant to be, we find our way back to each other. I can't stay here on a whim, on the tailend of a relationship that may never work. I did that 2 years ago.

I don't know what happens now. There are still a lot of details to work out and some discussions to be had. But I definitely feel the changes. I feel the weight of it in my hands. Nothing is going to stay the same anymore.

Be good to people.

Love often feels like a game we need to win. It's an especially difficult game to play when the person you love is always changing the rules, when this person is cold and pushes you away. I was there not that long ago. Sometimes, when I'm alone or there's a moment of quiet in my world, I'm right back there, in love with S and trying so hard to get him love me too. He is the permanent scar on my resume of relationships. He will forever be the one that hurt me most. He will be the tainted stain that stops me from letting myself love the good ones. Love often is a game we lose. But I can tell you one thing, it's not any more fun or any less hurtful being on the sidelines, waiting for your chance to jump in.

I will never claim to have all the answers because I am still learning and still growing. But I think what makes me a good source and a good shoulder to cry on is that I'm honest and truthful about my past. I know I've made mistakes and I've given chances to people who don't deserve them and didn't give second chances to those who were more than deserving. Love requires honesty, openness, and the ability to jump knowing a soft landing is never guaranteed. Happy playing ladies and gents. But remember, be honest. Be good to people.

The 6 Ex-Boyfriends You Will Encounter

As I am heading straight into my mid-twenties, I have had a good amount of relationship experience. All of my relationships have been significantly different, all of my boyfriends have been different types of men. Yet I have noticed, my friends have boyfriends that are the duplicate of some of my past ones. (And sometimes, one boyfriend will fit several of these descriptions. For me, his name started with a S)...

1. The "Not Around My Bros" Boyfriend
You will struggle with this boyfriend to be a part of his friend life. Because this is how it goes: He's got his bros and you don't possess a penis (this is really the only requirement to be in the Bros Club). You want to hang out with him with his friends around occasionally? Yeah, no. It might be weird... You want to hold his hand while co-mingling with the boys? No, don't do that. You are essentially the equivalent to his mother wiping his face with a spit soaked napkin in kindergarten. This Boyfriend would prefer you don't humiliate him.

2. The "Don't Be So Damn Crazy" Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend every day, are you trying to impede on his down time? Do you really have to text him EVERY DAY? Don't you understand that sometimes he just want to disappear off the face of the earth for a few days and leave you to agonize over what you could have possible done to upset him, only to be referred to as "crazy" (or it's annoying cousin, "crazy bitch") when you demand an explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being "crazy" if signs are shown of actually having a backbone.

3. The "Single Life" Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy being cheated on, because this Boyfriend will drive you mad while you insist that he just admit that he fucked up because you have all but photographic evidence that he has stepped out. He is there to make you doubt yourself and drive you crazy while he is off gallivanting around town, probably sexting the random girls he met at a bar. You can look forward to him simultaneously betraying your confidence and and telling you in all seriousness that he loves you and would never hurt you. This does not make the wounds he causes hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn't.)

4. The "Commitment? OH HELL NO" Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has a biological clock, much like the one your mother keeps reminding you that you have and should listen to because she wants grandbabies dammit! The difference here is that his clock is set to go off at the "Moment We Start to Get Emotionally Involved" and it has one function. When set off, watch out. It will make him run out the door so damn fast that his feet will literally catch fire. Enjoy becoming emotionally invested in him only to find out that he's the non-millionaire version of Carrie's Mr. Big, who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given amazing shoes as a goodbye gift.

5. The "Non-Boyfriend" Boyfriend
If it looks like a boyfriend, calls like a boyfriend, and seamlessly fits into you life like boyfriend, it's a boyfriend, right? Not with this Boyfriend. He will call you, not just late at night either. He will talk about your futures together, you will have sweet date nights, and he might even introduce you to important members of his family. But then it comes time for the talk, and he looks like at you like you're crazy. His favorite line will sound something like "I'm not ready for that, but aren't we having fun right now?" He will keep you hanging by a string, one that keeps you convinced that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you. Chances are, he won't.

6. The "Heartbreaker" Boyfriend
Unlike the other relationships, the end of this one will come as a shock. As you're cruising along in a certain state of bliss, realizing that you are actually happy and kind of unsettled by the fact that nothing has gone wrong yet. He seems to have all the qualities you are looking for-including the one to enter into a relationship of mutual respect and commitment. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping through your fingers like sand, though you want to make yourself love him the way you did before. But then it's over. Like all the others, but without a satisfying feeling for getting rid of a guy who wasn't right for you, it's over.

And then you hope that (after a good amount of frog-kissing), that you are finally going to find that one Boyfriend who isn't going to end up an ex.

PDA (Public Display of Apology)

Dear Jared,

I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I made a lot of mistakes in the aftermath of that relationship. I am a strong enough person to admit to that. I realize now that I was trying so hard to make you into someone that you're not, and that wasn't fair to you. You never gave me any illusions of the things you do and who you are, but like I sometimes do when I want something so bad, I sugarcoated it all in my mind. I think both of us wanted so badly for this to be right; to be the right relationship; the right person. I think individually we had both struggled to have faith and hope in love again. I had spent the 6 or so months before you thinking that all love ever does is break and end. I wanted to love you because you were so incredibly lovable. I wanted it all to be right. When I ended things with us, I was so sure of my decision. I was so positive I was making the right choice in letting you go because things didn't quite line up with us.

The mistake I made in the relationship was not being honest with you about that. I should have talked to you about it when I first felt that little feeling of doubt. I should have opened up about my reasoning behind my fears. The next mistake I made was thinking that I was important enough for you to fight to keep me. I needed reassurance that you did want me, that I was the girl you loved. I made the mistake that you could read my mind and would read into my text messages as me opening the door to the relationship back up. I should have just told you that I didn't actually want to be broken up, I just wanted you to fight for it. That I wanted you to realize all the potential I see in you and take it for yourself. My train of mistakes continued with unintentionally leading you on. I would text you randomly, believing that would convince you that I still wanted you, that I was thinking about you. Up until a few days ago, I didn't really know if I wanted that or not. When I did finally have that AHA! moment, I think it was that I wanted certain aspects of our relationship back. Then I made the mistake of getting angry at you for giving up on us, when I was the one who had given up on us 2 months ago.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will accept you for everything you are. You should be with someone who will fall in love with all of you, not just pieces. You also deserve to fall in love with someone that can let you love them. I wasn't capable of that because I wasn't ever really sure. You deserve someone who is sure of you, of your relationship. I did love you, please don't think that I didn't or that I don't now. It just wasn't in the way we both wanted me to love you. But I know now that I made the right choice for us back in September. I should have let you go when I said goodbye. So I'm saying it again now, and I promise I'm letting go. Honestly I wish you the best and I'm sorry.

Jen

You deserve love.

I've been trying for 8 months now to put into words exactly how I feel. Because mostly, I've been lost. Not the kind of lost when you look at a girl and you think, "Oh, poor thing, she looks so forlorn". No, I keep it together pretty well.  It's the kind of lost when you've lost the most important person in your world. It's the hole that forms in your heart that can't seem to fill back up. And it grows, deeper and darker. You start to torture yourself thinking about how he's going to love someone else, how he's going to forget you and replace you, how it couldn't have possibly meant as much to him as it did you because he let you go. These are the thoughts that taunt you late at night because you can't sleep without him. You can barely function-except that you have to because you can't lose everything. Even though it feels like you already have. There aren't any words that help. All you find yourself doing is listening to Adele on repeat and scouring Tumblr for appropriate quotes. This isn't a life. This isn't an existence. Everyone tells you that you deserved better, and there are days when you really know that's true. 

But I am telling you the truth. You deserve love. Big, stupid, crazy love. The kind of love that mixes you up and makes you feel dizzy and sick (a good sick). You deserve cute text messages and middle of the day phone calls. You deserve someone who respects you and your space, your needs and your passions. You deserve to be with someone who wants to make your life better, not harder. Someone who wants to make you better and be better because of you. You deserve someone who will do everything in his power to not lose you. You deserve a guy who will fight to keep you around when you aren't as sure about the relationship as you once were. These are things you deserve. These are things you should be thinking about late at night when you are feeling lonely. Please remember this. You deserve love. Even if you don't think so. 

Truth.

When I read this, I laughed. I cried. It is the most true thing I have read in a long time. I have been in all these situations but the last.


“

You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.

You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.

You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.

So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now

”

—	The Types of People You Will Fall in Love With In Your 20s by Ryan O’Connell (via everythingendsnothing)

Sometimes, it just doesn't go away. People say that eventually the hole in your heart closes and you start to feel like a whole person again. Eventually the emptiness fades and you move on with you life. Someone lied to me. Because I start to think I'm okay then it hits me like a fucking freight train. I miss him. I miss all the things I loved about him, even the things I hated about him. It really just goes to show you that when you are in love with someone, really in love with him, you love him regardless of flaws. You love him at his worst, love him at his best. That's the way it goes. I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to forget about him. But it's hard. It's unnerving that I could bump into him anywhere, at any time. And I have to accept that when I do, he might treat me like I never even mattered. That shatters me because I can't do the same. I loved him. I gave him 2 years of my life. It's not something I can shrug off. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope whatever comes next hurries up and gets here.

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.” -Joseph Gordon Levitt

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't want someone that needs me in his life, just someone who wants me there. I'm the type of girl who likes having her own interests, her own life separate from her relationship. I never want to turn into one of those girls who abandons her friends and the things that she enjoys doing because she has a boyfriend. I hate feeling smothered. I have never needed someone before, not in the way that is so consuming. I have been in that place where I wanted the guy in my life, I wanted to share everything with him and I knew it then, like I know it now, that I would be okay without him. I was completely in love with Steven, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted everything with him: making dinner on Sundays, sitting on the porch of the house we decorated and painted together, chasing our kids around the yard, date nights on Saturdays, arguing over bills and decisions about our family, talking about our days before we fell asleep. I was heartbroken when I realized that those things were not going to happen, that the happily ever after I envisioned with this person was just an illusion.

But it's life and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes you have to make choices that are very difficult but you know are the right choices in the end. Breaking up with Jared was one of the hardest things I had to do because he was so sweet and caring and warm, but he wasn't the right guy. At this point in my life, it's important that things feel right. I don't want to waste his time, or mine, in a relationship that always feels a little off.

Changes

Sometimes I think break ups are a lot easier when the guy is a total asshole. Because even though I know I made the right decision today, I feel terrible knowing I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. He is being so nice too. He just wants me to be happy and it's nice to have someone care about me that much. I wish it would've been love but sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you imagined it would have. It started out so well. I was so happy but as it progressed and we really got to know each other, it turned into something else. I needed to step back before I started to hate him for the things that were making me unhappy. I think I was just so easily swept off my feet that I didn't see the things that were obviously wrong in our relationship. We each have personal things to work on. I need to heal better from the last time because I was letting my insecurities from my last relationship cloud my judgment. I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of what it meant to be single again. But I'm ready to face that next chapter and see what's out there. I feel better about being on my own. He gave me the confidence boost I needed. I'm ready now. I'm better now.

Run Ins

I saw my ex tonight. I had this unexpected reaction. I was okay. I didn't feel like screaming at him or going batshit crazy. I wanted to tell him it was okay. That we would both end up okay. That it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to pretend we don't know each other. Although there are some days when I wake up and I miss him so much that it makes me sick that I wish I had never met him. There are days when I'm angry for what he's done to me, for what he did to us. And those days I wish I didn't know him. But we aren't allowed to take moments back, that's not how life works. We make choices, we are forced to face the choices others make, and we have to get through it. Even when it seems impossible, even when its heartbreaking to imagine your life beyond a particular moment. I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's happy because that's what it was always about... I wanted him happy. But I want to be happy too. I deserve the same. And I'm getting there. Slowly but I'm on my way. I had more invested so it's taking me a little bit longer to get there. It just feels like a surreal moment. A split second glance then he was gone before I knew it. Like I was invisible, like I didn't even matter. That's the thing about exes, you never know how they are going to effect you. It was like getting the rug ripped out from under me in the gentlest way possible. But somehow I still ended up on my ass. I suppose that's the effect he has, and always will have. Some things never do change.

Mantra

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

Just keep repeating until it's true? I think I've just been feeling down from all the little reminders of everything I would like to forget. Plus I really miss my family. I haven't been home since June. That's a long time to be apart from the people who love me for me, the people I am most myself around.

I did spend my day sleeping, wandering around Hobby Lobby and painting, so I am feeling a lot better. I just needed some serious me time. I think I'm getting back on my feet. I started a new book this evening so I am looking forward to crawling into bed with that and escaping the world for a little bit longer.

In a funk

You know that feeling where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty and every little thing gets to you and everyone that talks to you makes you angry and you want to punch everyone in the face and go to another world that’s full of fairies and talking mushrooms and everything is perfect? I hate that feeling. Because that's how I'm feeling today. Either I'm incapable of being happy, or I'm really unhappy. I don't know. I keep comparing happy now to happy then and it just doesn't measure up. But nothing is ever going to feel like that again because I'm not going to get it back. You know how people look at their past through rose colored glasses? I guess I fall into that category. Except that I know how I was treated was super shitty. But sometimes I find myself simultaneously missing him and wishing I had never met him. And I can't seem to let myself find out what happy is without him. It's not fair to the people in my life. It's not fair for me to walk around feeling indifferent about everyone and everything.

Sometimes it takes actually talking about your past to really come to terms with your past. I spent time with a friend the other day and she asked what happened in my last relationship. I've kept a lot of it to myself because I'm equally embarrassed for the part I played and genuinely still heartbroken. I think I realized that I am as over that part of my past as I ever will be. Its something that sticks with you forever. That first love that really broke you, the one that changed everything. Realizing that is what makes you go "Oh fuck, I'm never gonna let it go am I?" Maybe that's why I'm a flaming bitch today. Or maybe it's hormones. Who the hell knows anymore? But sleep fixes everything.

Post Grad

Do you ever get that feeling that half the people in your life don't understand your particular brand of crazy? Sometimes I feel so lost. I was the girl in high school who had it figured out. I had my shit together ya'll. And now? Well.... now, I'm a hot mess. Not that it's totally bad. I just have some seriously bad karma or something. Which bemuses me because I'm a genuinely nice person. I mean, how does this crap KEEP happening to me? I need to get it together. I always thought I would have this great life. Think Sex in the City... sitting in my cute little apartment, writing fun articles for some fab magazine before going out in a killer dress and heels to meet my awesome friends at some swanky bar. But in reality, I'm sitting in my crappy little duplex (very awesomely decorated though), writing a blog while in my pjs. Yeah it is a Friday night. No, I'm not totally lame. I've had a VERY trying week. Recap? We shall...

The week began with a little bump in the road of my seemingly perfect (to the outside world) relationship. I adore my boyfriend. He's funny and he thinks I'm the coolest, funniest, prettiest girl ever. See where the notion of perfect relationship is coming from? Now, like all relationships, we have our problems. We both come with a hefty amount of baggage. And as two people in our mid-twenties, we are trying to figure which of those particular suitcases can be abandoned at the baggage claim. I've got a bag full of douchebag ex-boyfriends that left me with some seriously messed up notions of what it means to be in love. And he... well he's got his stuff. It's not my stuff to share. We hit this bump in the road after a night out. I stayed sober because I like sleeping in my own bed and even though I'm one of the youngest in my group of friends, I like to make sure everyone is taken care of. It's my mothering instincts I guess (even though the idea of being someone's mom totally freaks me out). SO anyway, one drink led to another which led to another which led to some crap I don't ever want to see again. I have a long list of exes that have drinking problems and I started to feel that same anxiety all over. And it made me freak out. Like to the point I considered throwing in the towel. But ultimately I decided that I needed to give him the opportunity to take control of his issues and change. People are capable of that (right??). So we decided it was best to give me some breathing room. And now I miss him. (Did I forget to mention I have issues? Like I could use some therapy to work through the handful of shit my past relationships left with me).

So besides that, I recently moved into a new place and just got slapped in the face with a HUGE bill from the last place. They replaced the carpeting in the entire house and expect me to pay for it! I'm a clean freak... seriously, I went around that place and cleaned the baseboards with a toothbrush. It's not my fault you bought shitty carpet that holds onto dirt like a childhood blankie. So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this and find a second (technically third) job to bring in some extra money. Or really, any money, because I don't have any. So that's fun.

Next week, I need to make this really awesome phone call and figure out how I can push off my student loan repayment for another year. Like I mentioned, I'm a broke kid. I have a college degree and I work in retail. Pretty awesome, yes? Now, don't get me wrong I LOVE my job. It's so much fun and I love the girls I work with. Plus my boss trusts me and gives me a lot of creative freedom (when corporate allows it). I get to make up contests to keep spirits high and I use glitter almost as much as an elementary school teacher. It's sweet job in which I get to play dress up all the time and there's tons of pink and glitter everywhere. Unless you're the mother or sister of a tween girl, you probably haven't put it together. I work at Justice, a tween girl's clothing store that caters to building the girl's self-esteem and character while keeping her fashionable. It really is an awesome company to work for. I'm working my way to corporate. As cheesy as it sounds, I really do want to make a difference in the lives of young girls. I'm the oldest sister of 5 girls (there's one boy too but he kinda does his own thing). I try to be the best role model possible for them and they look up to me. That's a scary big burden to carry. But one I would never give up.

Other than relationship woes, and money issues, I haven't been sleeping. At all. It's terrible. And it makes me not very fun to be around. So tonight I decided to take it easy.  Boyfriend is off having fun at his family's farm, and my family is 180 miles away, so I'm having a Jenny night. I'm going to watch Young Adult, because I feel like I'm going to totally relate to the main character, and hang out with my dog. It's pretty close to a perfect night in. I just hope eventually I get some sleep. Tomorrow marks the last day of this shitty week (I work on a retail schedule, my weeks start with Sunday and end with Saturday) and it's the first Mizzou football game of the 2012 season. GO TIGERS! I would love to be tailgating, but I'll be holding down the fort at Justice.

This blog is intended to give some insight into the life of a 20-something post grad. I'm getting an education in life here people. And like I said, I'm a hot mess. These are my misadventures, my missteps, my mishaps. I'll get there eventually.