All Too Well

I own everything that has happened to me. I will tell my stories. If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

I think sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what I'm feeling, but it's all so complicated. There is just such a mess of feelings of going on. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And when I try to put all the pieces together, it doesn't make sense anymore. Trying to figure out the way I feel right now just doesn't work. Sometimes I think what I need to do is sit down and write about what happened, from the beginning all the way to the end. And maybe not try to sugar coat it or make it make any sense. I think I need to stop being afraid of how it's going to make me seem, like I might come off desperate or clingy. I think even though he broke me, I'm a little reserved about telling the truth about him because I did love him. But there's so much more to the story than anyone really knows. If I just tell the story of what happened, maybe I could find some closure or some clarity. In the beginning there was so much happiness and so much love. And then it all just went away. What happens to that love, where is it suppose to go? Even though I've moved on and I'm in a better place, sometimes I think I need to get it all out. It might help me let it all go. It might be the only way to save myself. Because right now, I remember it all too well.

But I can't go down that road tonight. It's going to take more out of me than I'm willing to let go of. It's going to take time and I don't know if I'm willing to give him another damn second of my life.

Love.

It's been a little bit since my last post and I think part of that is that I'm afraid of jinxing my relationship by writing about it and the other part is that I've been so busy falling in love that I forgot about my blog. I'm really happy. Really, really happy. Everything that ever went wrong before makes since now. It was all leading me here, to Tyler. Like all relationships, we are going to have bumps and potholes in our relationship, but what makes a good, lasting relationship is the ability to work through them. Turns out, we're great communicators. Even when he had a freak out moment, he tried his damnedest to explain to me what he was feeling and going through. I never imagined that I would find someone who was everything I ever wanted but never thought I would have. He brings out the best in me and I never have any reservations about being myself. We are so comfortable around each other. It's definitely something different to be in a relationship and not have to hold my tongue or constantly wonder "Should I have said that?" He reassures me when I need it, he holds me when I'm upset, and makes me laugh more than anyone else. I didn't think I would ever find this. After what I went through, I wasn't sure I was capable of falling in love again. But here I am, grinning like a fool just thinking about him. He's the best guy. But he's also human. He doesn't try to be anything that he's not. And he lets me be everything I am. It's an amazing feeling.