A strange thing happens when you make the mental decision to leave a place, regardless if it's a move taking place in the immediate future or quite some time away, you begin to crave closure. You inadvertently start tying up loose ends. If you're like me, you start with the person who saying goodbye to will probably hurt the most. It seems to make the next goodbyes a little easier.
While nothing is set in stone yet, it seems to be a very good possibility that I will be leaving this town I have called home for the last 6 years. My first reaction when I was offered this amazing opportunity was "I can't leave the place where he can always find me". At first I believed this meant Steven. The one that got away, the one I could never get to love me. But as more time as gone on this week and the idea of leaving it all behind sunk it, I realized that person I didn't want to leave behind wasn't just Steven. It's Jared as well. And so last night, I found myself crying and in deep conversation at 2 in the morning (perfectly normal time to have heart to hearts right?). And I don't think I found closure at all. Talking with Jared got a lot on the table that we both had been hiding away but all it made me do was fall back in love with the guy. Or at least the parts of him that I've always loved best. If I do leave, leaving him is going to be heartbreaking. I can't seem to figure out why it doesn't add up with us. It looks like it should but when I sit down and really think it over, there's always something missing. Some piece of him, some piece of me that doesn't work or doesn't exist. Maybe we need time and space to grow separately. But the idea of not running into him scares me. Because even though it gets hard to see him, when I catch a glimpse of him when I walk into somewhere that he's at, I feel like I've come home. But none of it makes sense. But I guess I just go and hope that if it's meant to be, we find our way back to each other. I can't stay here on a whim, on the tailend of a relationship that may never work. I did that 2 years ago.
I don't know what happens now. There are still a lot of details to work out and some discussions to be had. But I definitely feel the changes. I feel the weight of it in my hands. Nothing is going to stay the same anymore.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Be good to people.
Love often feels like a game we need to win. It's an especially difficult game to play when the person you love is always changing the rules, when this person is cold and pushes you away. I was there not that long ago. Sometimes, when I'm alone or there's a moment of quiet in my world, I'm right back there, in love with S and trying so hard to get him love me too. He is the permanent scar on my resume of relationships. He will forever be the one that hurt me most. He will be the tainted stain that stops me from letting myself love the good ones. Love often is a game we lose. But I can tell you one thing, it's not any more fun or any less hurtful being on the sidelines, waiting for your chance to jump in.
I will never claim to have all the answers because I am still learning and still growing. But I think what makes me a good source and a good shoulder to cry on is that I'm honest and truthful about my past. I know I've made mistakes and I've given chances to people who don't deserve them and didn't give second chances to those who were more than deserving. Love requires honesty, openness, and the ability to jump knowing a soft landing is never guaranteed. Happy playing ladies and gents. But remember, be honest. Be good to people.
I will never claim to have all the answers because I am still learning and still growing. But I think what makes me a good source and a good shoulder to cry on is that I'm honest and truthful about my past. I know I've made mistakes and I've given chances to people who don't deserve them and didn't give second chances to those who were more than deserving. Love requires honesty, openness, and the ability to jump knowing a soft landing is never guaranteed. Happy playing ladies and gents. But remember, be honest. Be good to people.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The 6 Ex-Boyfriends You Will Encounter
As I am heading straight into my mid-twenties, I have had a good amount of relationship experience. All of my relationships have been significantly different, all of my boyfriends have been different types of men. Yet I have noticed, my friends have boyfriends that are the duplicate of some of my past ones. (And sometimes, one boyfriend will fit several of these descriptions. For me, his name started with a S)...
1. The "Not Around My Bros" Boyfriend
You will struggle with this boyfriend to be a part of his friend life. Because this is how it goes: He's got his bros and you don't possess a penis (this is really the only requirement to be in the Bros Club). You want to hang out with him with his friends around occasionally? Yeah, no. It might be weird... You want to hold his hand while co-mingling with the boys? No, don't do that. You are essentially the equivalent to his mother wiping his face with a spit soaked napkin in kindergarten. This Boyfriend would prefer you don't humiliate him.
2. The "Don't Be So Damn Crazy" Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend every day, are you trying to impede on his down time? Do you really have to text him EVERY DAY? Don't you understand that sometimes he just want to disappear off the face of the earth for a few days and leave you to agonize over what you could have possible done to upset him, only to be referred to as "crazy" (or it's annoying cousin, "crazy bitch") when you demand an explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being "crazy" if signs are shown of actually having a backbone.
3. The "Single Life" Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy being cheated on, because this Boyfriend will drive you mad while you insist that he just admit that he fucked up because you have all but photographic evidence that he has stepped out. He is there to make you doubt yourself and drive you crazy while he is off gallivanting around town, probably sexting the random girls he met at a bar. You can look forward to him simultaneously betraying your confidence and and telling you in all seriousness that he loves you and would never hurt you. This does not make the wounds he causes hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn't.)
4. The "Commitment? OH HELL NO" Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has a biological clock, much like the one your mother keeps reminding you that you have and should listen to because she wants grandbabies dammit! The difference here is that his clock is set to go off at the "Moment We Start to Get Emotionally Involved" and it has one function. When set off, watch out. It will make him run out the door so damn fast that his feet will literally catch fire. Enjoy becoming emotionally invested in him only to find out that he's the non-millionaire version of Carrie's Mr. Big, who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given amazing shoes as a goodbye gift.
5. The "Non-Boyfriend" Boyfriend
If it looks like a boyfriend, calls like a boyfriend, and seamlessly fits into you life like boyfriend, it's a boyfriend, right? Not with this Boyfriend. He will call you, not just late at night either. He will talk about your futures together, you will have sweet date nights, and he might even introduce you to important members of his family. But then it comes time for the talk, and he looks like at you like you're crazy. His favorite line will sound something like "I'm not ready for that, but aren't we having fun right now?" He will keep you hanging by a string, one that keeps you convinced that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you. Chances are, he won't.
6. The "Heartbreaker" Boyfriend
Unlike the other relationships, the end of this one will come as a shock. As you're cruising along in a certain state of bliss, realizing that you are actually happy and kind of unsettled by the fact that nothing has gone wrong yet. He seems to have all the qualities you are looking for-including the one to enter into a relationship of mutual respect and commitment. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping through your fingers like sand, though you want to make yourself love him the way you did before. But then it's over. Like all the others, but without a satisfying feeling for getting rid of a guy who wasn't right for you, it's over.
And then you hope that (after a good amount of frog-kissing), that you are finally going to find that one Boyfriend who isn't going to end up an ex.
1. The "Not Around My Bros" Boyfriend
You will struggle with this boyfriend to be a part of his friend life. Because this is how it goes: He's got his bros and you don't possess a penis (this is really the only requirement to be in the Bros Club). You want to hang out with him with his friends around occasionally? Yeah, no. It might be weird... You want to hold his hand while co-mingling with the boys? No, don't do that. You are essentially the equivalent to his mother wiping his face with a spit soaked napkin in kindergarten. This Boyfriend would prefer you don't humiliate him.
2. The "Don't Be So Damn Crazy" Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend every day, are you trying to impede on his down time? Do you really have to text him EVERY DAY? Don't you understand that sometimes he just want to disappear off the face of the earth for a few days and leave you to agonize over what you could have possible done to upset him, only to be referred to as "crazy" (or it's annoying cousin, "crazy bitch") when you demand an explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being "crazy" if signs are shown of actually having a backbone.
3. The "Single Life" Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy being cheated on, because this Boyfriend will drive you mad while you insist that he just admit that he fucked up because you have all but photographic evidence that he has stepped out. He is there to make you doubt yourself and drive you crazy while he is off gallivanting around town, probably sexting the random girls he met at a bar. You can look forward to him simultaneously betraying your confidence and and telling you in all seriousness that he loves you and would never hurt you. This does not make the wounds he causes hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn't.)
4. The "Commitment? OH HELL NO" Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has a biological clock, much like the one your mother keeps reminding you that you have and should listen to because she wants grandbabies dammit! The difference here is that his clock is set to go off at the "Moment We Start to Get Emotionally Involved" and it has one function. When set off, watch out. It will make him run out the door so damn fast that his feet will literally catch fire. Enjoy becoming emotionally invested in him only to find out that he's the non-millionaire version of Carrie's Mr. Big, who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given amazing shoes as a goodbye gift.
5. The "Non-Boyfriend" Boyfriend
If it looks like a boyfriend, calls like a boyfriend, and seamlessly fits into you life like boyfriend, it's a boyfriend, right? Not with this Boyfriend. He will call you, not just late at night either. He will talk about your futures together, you will have sweet date nights, and he might even introduce you to important members of his family. But then it comes time for the talk, and he looks like at you like you're crazy. His favorite line will sound something like "I'm not ready for that, but aren't we having fun right now?" He will keep you hanging by a string, one that keeps you convinced that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you. Chances are, he won't.
6. The "Heartbreaker" Boyfriend
Unlike the other relationships, the end of this one will come as a shock. As you're cruising along in a certain state of bliss, realizing that you are actually happy and kind of unsettled by the fact that nothing has gone wrong yet. He seems to have all the qualities you are looking for-including the one to enter into a relationship of mutual respect and commitment. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping through your fingers like sand, though you want to make yourself love him the way you did before. But then it's over. Like all the others, but without a satisfying feeling for getting rid of a guy who wasn't right for you, it's over.
And then you hope that (after a good amount of frog-kissing), that you are finally going to find that one Boyfriend who isn't going to end up an ex.
Friday, November 2, 2012
PDA (Public Display of Apology)
Dear Jared,
I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I made a lot of mistakes in the aftermath of that relationship. I am a strong enough person to admit to that. I realize now that I was trying so hard to make you into someone that you're not, and that wasn't fair to you. You never gave me any illusions of the things you do and who you are, but like I sometimes do when I want something so bad, I sugarcoated it all in my mind. I think both of us wanted so badly for this to be right; to be the right relationship; the right person. I think individually we had both struggled to have faith and hope in love again. I had spent the 6 or so months before you thinking that all love ever does is break and end. I wanted to love you because you were so incredibly lovable. I wanted it all to be right. When I ended things with us, I was so sure of my decision. I was so positive I was making the right choice in letting you go because things didn't quite line up with us.
The mistake I made in the relationship was not being honest with you about that. I should have talked to you about it when I first felt that little feeling of doubt. I should have opened up about my reasoning behind my fears. The next mistake I made was thinking that I was important enough for you to fight to keep me. I needed reassurance that you did want me, that I was the girl you loved. I made the mistake that you could read my mind and would read into my text messages as me opening the door to the relationship back up. I should have just told you that I didn't actually want to be broken up, I just wanted you to fight for it. That I wanted you to realize all the potential I see in you and take it for yourself. My train of mistakes continued with unintentionally leading you on. I would text you randomly, believing that would convince you that I still wanted you, that I was thinking about you. Up until a few days ago, I didn't really know if I wanted that or not. When I did finally have that AHA! moment, I think it was that I wanted certain aspects of our relationship back. Then I made the mistake of getting angry at you for giving up on us, when I was the one who had given up on us 2 months ago.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will accept you for everything you are. You should be with someone who will fall in love with all of you, not just pieces. You also deserve to fall in love with someone that can let you love them. I wasn't capable of that because I wasn't ever really sure. You deserve someone who is sure of you, of your relationship. I did love you, please don't think that I didn't or that I don't now. It just wasn't in the way we both wanted me to love you. But I know now that I made the right choice for us back in September. I should have let you go when I said goodbye. So I'm saying it again now, and I promise I'm letting go. Honestly I wish you the best and I'm sorry.
Jen
I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I made a lot of mistakes in the aftermath of that relationship. I am a strong enough person to admit to that. I realize now that I was trying so hard to make you into someone that you're not, and that wasn't fair to you. You never gave me any illusions of the things you do and who you are, but like I sometimes do when I want something so bad, I sugarcoated it all in my mind. I think both of us wanted so badly for this to be right; to be the right relationship; the right person. I think individually we had both struggled to have faith and hope in love again. I had spent the 6 or so months before you thinking that all love ever does is break and end. I wanted to love you because you were so incredibly lovable. I wanted it all to be right. When I ended things with us, I was so sure of my decision. I was so positive I was making the right choice in letting you go because things didn't quite line up with us.
The mistake I made in the relationship was not being honest with you about that. I should have talked to you about it when I first felt that little feeling of doubt. I should have opened up about my reasoning behind my fears. The next mistake I made was thinking that I was important enough for you to fight to keep me. I needed reassurance that you did want me, that I was the girl you loved. I made the mistake that you could read my mind and would read into my text messages as me opening the door to the relationship back up. I should have just told you that I didn't actually want to be broken up, I just wanted you to fight for it. That I wanted you to realize all the potential I see in you and take it for yourself. My train of mistakes continued with unintentionally leading you on. I would text you randomly, believing that would convince you that I still wanted you, that I was thinking about you. Up until a few days ago, I didn't really know if I wanted that or not. When I did finally have that AHA! moment, I think it was that I wanted certain aspects of our relationship back. Then I made the mistake of getting angry at you for giving up on us, when I was the one who had given up on us 2 months ago.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will accept you for everything you are. You should be with someone who will fall in love with all of you, not just pieces. You also deserve to fall in love with someone that can let you love them. I wasn't capable of that because I wasn't ever really sure. You deserve someone who is sure of you, of your relationship. I did love you, please don't think that I didn't or that I don't now. It just wasn't in the way we both wanted me to love you. But I know now that I made the right choice for us back in September. I should have let you go when I said goodbye. So I'm saying it again now, and I promise I'm letting go. Honestly I wish you the best and I'm sorry.
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