The Weight of Goodbye

A strange thing happens when you make the mental decision to leave a place, regardless if it's a move taking place in the immediate future or quite some time away, you begin to crave closure. You inadvertently start tying up loose ends. If you're like me, you start with the person who saying goodbye to will probably hurt the most. It seems to make the next goodbyes a little easier.

While nothing is set in stone yet, it seems to be a very good possibility that I will be leaving this town I have called home for the last 6 years. My first reaction when I was offered this amazing opportunity was "I can't leave the place where he can always find me". At first I believed this meant Steven. The one that got away, the one I could never get to love me. But as more time as gone on this week and the idea of leaving it all behind sunk it, I realized that person I didn't want to leave behind wasn't just Steven. It's Jared as well. And so last night, I found myself crying and in deep conversation at 2 in the morning (perfectly normal time to have heart to hearts right?). And I don't think I found closure at all. Talking with Jared got a lot on the table that we both had been hiding away but all it made me do was fall back in love with the guy. Or at least the parts of him that I've always loved best. If I do leave, leaving him is going to be heartbreaking. I can't seem to figure out why it doesn't add up with us. It looks like it should but when I sit down and really think it over, there's always something missing. Some piece of him, some piece of me that doesn't work or doesn't exist. Maybe we need time and space to grow separately. But the idea of not running into him scares me. Because even though it gets hard to see him, when I catch a glimpse of him when I walk into somewhere that he's at, I feel like I've come home. But none of it makes sense. But I guess I just go and hope that if it's meant to be, we find our way back to each other. I can't stay here on a whim, on the tailend of a relationship that may never work. I did that 2 years ago.

I don't know what happens now. There are still a lot of details to work out and some discussions to be had. But I definitely feel the changes. I feel the weight of it in my hands. Nothing is going to stay the same anymore.