Heartbreak

I think this is one of those things you don't recover from. You move on eventually, somehow. Only because you have to. You learn to breather again but you will never ever be the same. When something fragile breaks, you can glue the pieces back but it always feels different. You might even lose a piece or two and you're left with this nearly whole thing but it has some missing pieces, a few voids. I think that's my heart. I don't think I can put it back together. I've had my heart broken before, that's a known fact that I won't deny but I have never been shattered. I have never reached that point where I crumbled to a heap on the ground because the weight of the sadness was too much. But I did last night. I felt the worst kind of pain. Not a physical pain that pills or shots can numb but the pain of losing the thing you never imagined you would lose. I don't know how it gets better. I just know that it does. And now I have to get there because this is what he's making me do. I don't have any other choice than to let it go.

A little rant on respect

I think I hold people to too high of standards. I guess I'd like to think that most people in the world are like me and they respect each other, are kind to one another and care about the general well being of people. I give respect to people almost immediately only to be let down time and time again. I guess respect should be earned and not given. I hate feeling angry but I think I don't let myself be angry enough. Especially when someone disrespects me. Especially when that person is someone I hold to the highest level of respect, someone I love unconditionally (even when he doesn't deserve it) and would never ever intentionally hurt them. I don't know what I'm suppose to be feeling right now,  but it's shitty. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And he thinks it's fine because he said sorry. I get that things can be overwhelming sometimes and you need to take a step back and clear your head. But I'm not just some random person in his life, I'm his damn girlfriend and you pick up the phone when I call, you reply to my text messages. Even if it's just to tell me you need a little bit of space at the moment. I can deal with that. I cannot and will not deal with the disappearing acts. I've been in that relationship before and I came out broken and insecure. It's so disrespectful. You don't make someone you care about worry about you. Apparently I need to not be so damn nice. Apparently love and respect do not go hand in hand.

Hold Onto the Good

It has been a tough week for America. It has been a tough week for me. I guess I should start this blog with saying that Tyler and I are back together. Things aren't perfect and there are still things that need fixing but I think we both realized that we need each other now more than ever before. Life is tough. And things get hard and sometimes, life just sucks. It never fails that it will kick you when you're down. But if you push out all the good, all you're going to see is the bad. You're going to forget what it feels like to be happy. You're going to forget what it's like to feel good. It doesn't make sense to let go of someone who makes you happy. Not happy in the moment, not superficially happy. But if someone gets to your heart and genuinely makes you feel like a better person: YOU DON'T LET IT GO. I don't care if things feel hard or you feel overwhelmed. You take a deep breath, take a step back and talk it out. If what America has gone through lately has taught me anything, it's that life is incredibly short and things can change in a single instant. You have to love and love big. You have to tell people how you feel about them because you might never get a second chance. Live your life on your terms. I think what Tyler and I have realized is that the only two people who matter in our relationship are the two of us. Our family and friends might have their own opinions but at the end of the day, we have each other. And that's more than a lot of people can say. You can have money, you can have a dream job but if you don't have anyone to share your life with, it doesn't mean anything. We have to hold onto the good.

Broken

I guess it didn't matter if I was ready because he wasn't. My heart is shattered. It hurts to breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. Every piece of me misses him already. It's like a big hole is in my heart and I am never going to be the same.

Grown Up Love

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. No surprise there. It's a thought that is never that far away. I've started thinking about promises of forever.

In grade school, your forevers last for weeks. High school, they last months. In your college years and the few years that follow, those forevers can last years. Then you have that one promise of forever that will last, well... forever. Sometimes, even though I'm a hopeless romantic, I tend to look at love with my type A, meticulous personality. I make lists and I try to scientifically prove that I can make a promise of forever and keep it. Not for myself, but for Tyler. It's scary. I think that's how you know that you're really in love, when it becomes self-less. It stops being about me and what makes me happy and becomes more about how I can try not to ruin the life of the person I absolutely adore. I'm good at ruining things. I'm an expert at sabotage and I'm really good at blaming others when it all falls apart. I'm also really good at pretending that I can still run about doing whatever I want. But grown-up love it's like that. Grown up love isn't about what makes me happy, it's about doing whatever it takes to stay in love another day. And that will mostly be what makes me happy but sometimes, that very thing makes me want to throw things against the wall.

It's almost destructive to get everything you want. You spend so much time wishing for that job or that right love to come along so when you finally get it, you start to wonder if you even wanted it at all. So you start make shiny new wishes that put your other wishes to shame. That must be the secret to happiness-having it all and not taking another bite. To be content with all you have, with everything you wanted.

I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, to separate myself from everything I had and everything I knew. I did it and it wasn't enough...

I wanted a kind, trustworthy, best-friend kind of love that would never break my heart...

Somedays, it's tough. I have had moments when I'm sitting there, catching my teardrops in my hands wondering why I thought this was what I wanted in my life. I've thought about throwing in the towel but then I have that moment of realization. Nothing ever worthwhile is easy. And sometimes, to get what you want, you have to work at it. Most days, everything is pretty near perfect. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I just get scared, you know? I get scared of promising someone forever. Especially someone who was given that same promise before and it left him shattered. But as each day goes by, I am more assured that this is the person I need in my life. This is the person it all led up, why all those other forevers didn't last. This man makes me whole. And I need to work on not sabotaging all my happy because of my fears. You only get one forever, and I want to make this one count.

All Too Well

I own everything that has happened to me. I will tell my stories. If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

I think sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what I'm feeling, but it's all so complicated. There is just such a mess of feelings of going on. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And when I try to put all the pieces together, it doesn't make sense anymore. Trying to figure out the way I feel right now just doesn't work. Sometimes I think what I need to do is sit down and write about what happened, from the beginning all the way to the end. And maybe not try to sugar coat it or make it make any sense. I think I need to stop being afraid of how it's going to make me seem, like I might come off desperate or clingy. I think even though he broke me, I'm a little reserved about telling the truth about him because I did love him. But there's so much more to the story than anyone really knows. If I just tell the story of what happened, maybe I could find some closure or some clarity. In the beginning there was so much happiness and so much love. And then it all just went away. What happens to that love, where is it suppose to go? Even though I've moved on and I'm in a better place, sometimes I think I need to get it all out. It might help me let it all go. It might be the only way to save myself. Because right now, I remember it all too well.

But I can't go down that road tonight. It's going to take more out of me than I'm willing to let go of. It's going to take time and I don't know if I'm willing to give him another damn second of my life.

Love.

It's been a little bit since my last post and I think part of that is that I'm afraid of jinxing my relationship by writing about it and the other part is that I've been so busy falling in love that I forgot about my blog. I'm really happy. Really, really happy. Everything that ever went wrong before makes since now. It was all leading me here, to Tyler. Like all relationships, we are going to have bumps and potholes in our relationship, but what makes a good, lasting relationship is the ability to work through them. Turns out, we're great communicators. Even when he had a freak out moment, he tried his damnedest to explain to me what he was feeling and going through. I never imagined that I would find someone who was everything I ever wanted but never thought I would have. He brings out the best in me and I never have any reservations about being myself. We are so comfortable around each other. It's definitely something different to be in a relationship and not have to hold my tongue or constantly wonder "Should I have said that?" He reassures me when I need it, he holds me when I'm upset, and makes me laugh more than anyone else. I didn't think I would ever find this. After what I went through, I wasn't sure I was capable of falling in love again. But here I am, grinning like a fool just thinking about him. He's the best guy. But he's also human. He doesn't try to be anything that he's not. And he lets me be everything I am. It's an amazing feeling.

Growing up sometimes sucks.

As a big sister, I always seem to have to be on my game. I'm the first to do many things and I have to leave a good example. I don't mind being a role model, it's actually incredibly humbling and has made me a better person because I have to think about the consequences of my actions and how they might affect my siblings. But there are some days when being the voice of reason, being the "big sis" is incredibly difficult. Tonight, my little brother's heart was totally shattered. I had to push my opinion of the cold-hearted bitch that left him in pieces to myself and put on my big sister pants. The hardest part of getting a younger sibling through a difficult time is that it makes me relive the time when I was exactly in the same position. Talking to my brother and reassuring him that it goes up from here brought back very vividly the time when I was at my lowest. I know exactly how he feels. He's betrayed, broken, and feeling like he's never going to get over this and utterly alone. Like many of us, we don't always see the whole picture as it's all unfolding. It took me some time to realize that the way I was treated in the particular relationship that broke me that what I was getting was not love. Sometimes it looked like love, sometimes it even felt like love. But someone who loves another person doesn't deliberately do things to hurt you. They don't lie, cheat, or disrespect you. They don't give up on you and they sure as hell don't leave when it gets rough. 

It's hard for him to see around this. I understand that. But I am walking proof that life goes on. I am the prime example that love exists after something like that. And it's REAL love and it makes you happy, it feels good and its not so damn hard. I have been so incredibly fortunate to meet someone who is everything I always wanted but never thought I would have. He is respectful of my values, boundaries and space. He's open, honest and one of the best people I've ever met. As a sister, I want that for all my siblings. I want them to have healthy, happy relationships and I am finally at a place in my life where I feel like they can look up at me for it. I hope that I said the right things. I know that it takes time to heal and I will be there for him every step of the way. 

Moving On

I swear I have said it a thousand times in my head, aloud and in writing, but it amazes me how much your life can change in a year. Things can change so drastically, the things you knew become the past, people leave, your scenery changes, you become someone different. Here's a few things that didn't happen in 2012: I didn't get married to the man I believed I could not live without, we didn't stay together and work it out despite the odds (and all my friends) being against us, I didn't fall apart when he left.

In the past year, I have loved, lost and let go. I can tell you that losing Steven was the best thing to ever happen to me. It proved to me that I am strong, I am capable of moving on and I deserve better than what I was given in those 3 years. I found myself in losing him. But I do not give him any credit for that. If he hadn't told me, urged me, screamed at me to move on, I can guarantee you I would still be hanging on his every word, chasing him around this town like a crazy person and crying myself to sleep every single night. But with those 2 words, he set me free. He broke some invisible thread that kept me bound to him. I sucked it up, I dealt with the shit he left me with and I did move on.

I won't go as far to say that I have fallen in love with someone else but I can tell you that I am well on my way to getting there. I am happy. I am in a happy, healthy relationship with a man that treats me exactly how I deserve. He thinks I'm funny, smart and beautiful. He tells me every day how special I am, how much he cares, and how lucky he is to have me. I never got that with Steven. It was never an expectation in my relationships that I be praised, or even be told how much I'm cared about. I had never had that before so I never knew how nice it was. An apology would be nice, but I know that he won't. He never does, it's not his "thing". But it's also not required. I don't need his pleading or graveling to satisfy and fill up some hole inside of me. I don't need him anymore. I haven't felt this happy, comfortable and loved in years. I guess you never know how much you missed something until you get it back. I started 2013 feeling confident, happy and ready for this next very exciting chapter of my life. If you had told me a year ago this is where I would have been, I would have told you that it was crazy. But I'm starting to believe that crazy is good. Crazy suits me. Especially when it's the best kind of crazy, the kind that makes you laugh, turns your world upside down and leaves you a better person when it's all done. Yeah, I can deal with that.

I might fall in love a little

I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if:
-you don't realize how good looking you are
-you employ old fashioned terms of endearment
-you do not bat an eye when I spontaneously launch into something weird
-you smell incredible
-you tell me about your dreams
-you distract me from my "real" life
-you know how to listen
-you are self-deprecating, but it comes off as funny, not uncomfortable
-we cannot stop laughing around each other
-you fall in love with me a little

Blessings

The last month of my life has been a bit of a whirlwind, to say the least. I think after my last post, I realized that I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't being true to myself and the things I want and need, especially in my relationships. I have really amazing friendships and really shitty relationships. Well, I wanted both to be amazing. And you know what, now I have it. I met this really great guy who appreciates me and my weirdness. He doesn't care about my past as long as it doesn't affect our future. He thinks I'm beautiful, funny, smart. He makes me feel like I am those things, to believe for the first time in my life that I am. I am comfortable with him and with who I am with him. I didn't know it could be this good, this easy. He's all these things I never knew I needed. It feels like everything that went wrong before was leading up to that moment when it all went right. I feel so incredibly blessed.