Does That Make Me Crazy? Possibly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well my crazy train stops here. I will NOT forgive him this time. He does not deserve my love or my friendship. Over the last couple years, I have given second (third, fourth, fifth) chances to men who are undeserving. This needs to change. Steven believes he can talk to me like I am insignificant, disposable. Do you know how hurtful that is coming from someone you spent nearly 3 years of your life in love with? But after this same type of fight several times, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of him telling me to leave HIM alone (as he's texting me repeatedly), of him telling me that he and I are never ever going to happen, of being told to move on. Well challenge accepted buddy. There are no take-backs this time. There are no drunken apologies and "I didn't mean it". Yes you did. And you know what, I don't care. I am better than this. I am better than you. And it really sucks that he treated me like this because I could have missed out on a really great relationship because I am fearful of being hurt again. So when I first saw something in Jared that held a glimmer of something that Steven did, I froze. I got fucking scared and I ended it. Chances are, Jared is not the right guy for me. But what happens if my fears make me end up losing the right guy? What if I don't ever get over this insecurity, this crippling fear of loving someone to actually love someone else? This is the damage Steven has done with his comments, his coldness, his meanness. I never imagined in my life I would fall in love with someone who is so much like Jeckyll and Hyde. That there could be someone who could fool me with his kindness, his determination, his humor and make me fall in love to flip a switch and become someone who seemingly gets his kicks off making me cry. There is something mentally, emotionally wrong with him and I am not going to waste any more of time trying to fix him. I am a strong girl, I am not a stupid girl. I just got lost my balance I guess. So now I pick up the pieces, I depend on the people that actually do love me and care about me, and get myself back. It's not going to be easy, I am so beyond messed up that I can't put into words how broken I have become. But I won't be like him. I won't hurt someone who loves me with all he has because someone else broke me. I won't take someone's genuine love and destroy it because I can. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe I'm just the one who got caught in his web, someone who played his game so well.

I hope you understand the gravity of what you’ve done. This isn’t like every other fight we’ve had when you drink too much and make me cry. This isn’t about you saying things you don’t mean, this is about you finally being honest with me and I just don’t care. You don’t get to apologize this time in a few days or weeks and come crawling back. There are no apologies that will fix this, there are no words you can say or things you can do to win me back this time. You have made what could be the greatest mistake of your life and I’m not going to be sorry for that. I don’t pity you for losing your cool or drinking too much. You are an adult that doesn’t even begin to know what respect is. You are a user, an emotional abuser and a liar. I’m just sorry that it took me 3 years to learn that. 

Kaleidoscope

I'm completely convinced that Taylor Swift broke into my house, stole my journal, photocopied it, and then put it back. I swear that the girl and I are cosmically connected and our breakups are freakishly alike. Lately, I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't been myself and I've let people who essentially don't matter at all get me down. I have let little comments and looks get under my skin and I've convinced myself that one of the nicest people I know was deliberately doing things to hurt me. That is how messed up I've been from my "break up" in February. I think that everyone is playing mind games and trying to break me. Thing is, when you've lost everything, all you have left is your strength.

I watched T Swift's new video for her song "I Knew You Were Trouble" and she has this monologue at the beginning, and anyone who knows me, knows this sounds exactly like something I would say or write:

"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes backs but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything that he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And crazy thing is I don't know that I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how could the devil be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it wasn't losing him, it was losing me.... I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are".

That's exactly how I feel about Steven. I don't know why I let him come back, because every time I lose him again, it hurts even more. And then I find myself sitting in my bed at night remembering everything about him. Trying so hard to put the pieces back together. But that's all it ever is, just pieces. It's never something whole, never something I can hold in my hands for too long. I don't understand how he can convince me to let him back under my skin. I know the outcome every single damn time. But I keep letting it happen. It's the same way you know that you should stop drinking at some point but the free fall is so intoxicating that you don't even care what's on the other side. One minute with him is better than two without. Those minutes without him though? They are torture. It's a mixture of anger and sadness and not being able to breathe or see straight. It's like trying to keep your balance on a tight rope. Essentially, you're terrified but you know you have to see it through because you're too far gone to ever go back.

...Blah.

I want to know that I am worth fighting for. I want to feel like I'm wanted and needed. It's ridiculous that I'm always the one left upset because I wanted more than what I was given. I want to be with a guy who will drive 2 hours to see me for 1, the guy who will just hold me when I'm feeling sad or down, a guy who understands what he has when he has it. You know what really upsets me? That at some point, he decided he wasn't going to fight for me, that he wasn't 100% in this thing, but he can turn around and 2 months later decide he can date someone else and be there for her. Maybe it's easier for her, maybe she doesn't ask much out of him, maybe she isn't trying to make him see his potential. Especially after the talk we had a few weeks ago. I thought that would make him try to get me back. He kissed me, he held my hand. Don't do those things if you aren't going to follow through. I don't know. All I know is that he was the last person I ever expected to hurt me. He was the last person I thought would give up on me. Guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I am always, always wrong about the men in my life.

Not the end

Through all the nights that I stayed up thinking about what I could have done trying to remember what it could have been, it never once did occur to me that maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe it wasn't either of our faults. I hated you for never telling me what it was but now I get it. Telling me would have broken my heart more than silently disappearing. And maybe secretly yourself didn't quite understand. But it's clear now. It wasn't you. And it wasn't me. It was the time, and it was the people we surrounded ourselves with. Not everything meshes perfectly. Maybe we did, but they didn't and at the time it was a package deal. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be sorry for anything. And I'm sorry you can't be either. Because it would all be so much simpler to hate you. And it would be easier. But it's not all so black and white. And I'm okay with that. I guess this is what they call closure. Our sad tale finally at an end. And while it may not be the happily every after that most girls dream of, I'm content with it. Because this means that it's not the end of me. __________________________ I wrote that 4 months ago about Steven when I believed he and I were done and he was never coming back. But then he did. And I don't know what I'm suppose to feel. He is the only guy I've ever been with that I actually want to be around all the time. I'm happy he's back. I feel whole again. But I keep holding my breath, waiting for him to leave again. I keep hoping this will be the time that it makes sense to him, that he will realize that being together is better. That we are better people when we have each other to reach out to. I don't know what to do to make him see that. So I just love him and hope it's enough.