Saturday, December 8, 2012
...Blah.
I want to know that I am worth fighting for. I want to feel like I'm wanted and needed. It's ridiculous that I'm always the one left upset because I wanted more than what I was given. I want to be with a guy who will drive 2 hours to see me for 1, the guy who will just hold me when I'm feeling sad or down, a guy who understands what he has when he has it. You know what really upsets me? That at some point, he decided he wasn't going to fight for me, that he wasn't 100% in this thing, but he can turn around and 2 months later decide he can date someone else and be there for her. Maybe it's easier for her, maybe she doesn't ask much out of him, maybe she isn't trying to make him see his potential. Especially after the talk we had a few weeks ago. I thought that would make him try to get me back. He kissed me, he held my hand. Don't do those things if you aren't going to follow through. I don't know. All I know is that he was the last person I ever expected to hurt me. He was the last person I thought would give up on me. Guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I am always, always wrong about the men in my life.
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After reading this entry I find myself wondering what it 'is' that he is supposed to be fighting with. You say he decided he wouldn't fight for you. Was he supposed to fight with you to keep your affections? Was he to fight his own indecisions and come away with the same perspective as you? Everyone wants to be accepted as they are, that they are good enough as-is, and you are right, you are good enough as-is. But yet you seem to think that others must measure up to your standards of what you expect them to be. Let them be who they are, they are attracted to you, let that be enough for a friendship to develop. Let nature take its course at its own speed. Don't expect anyone to change for you, they might be expecting you to change for them, which means if either of you change, you must start over with making a new acquaintance every time. It seems to me that would be very frustrating to say the least...
ReplyDeleteI think every girl wants to know that she's worth fighting for, that instead of just throwing in the towel when things get rough he's going to try to make it work. And you know, it is selfish that I believe that. It's selfish to think he should have been the one fighting when I wasn't. But it's the way I feel. I won't apologize for that. In a previous entry, I apologized to him for my wrongs in our relationship. I have never believed that he is not good enough as-is. He's an amazing guy, one of the nicest guys I have met in a long time. But why shouldn't I be with someone who lives up to my "standards"? I've had some crappy relationships and I know what I want and what I deserve. It wouldn't be fair to stay with someone who I'm always wishing would be a little more of something or a little less of something. I'm sure he had his issues with the way I handled somethings and some of things I do. I have a lot of emotion built up towards this person because I did love him. And I wanted it work. At some point, not long after I met him, I thought to myself that he could be the guy I could end up with. But it didn't work that way, and honestly, it really sucks. And it really hurts me when I see him and when I talk to him. I'm heartbroken, and I'm aware it's from my own doing. Maybe it was a case of right person, wrong time. Or maybe it's one of those situations where he was everything I needed him to be in that moment and then after we both healed a little from what we faced before each other, we didn't need each other anymore. I'm still figuring it all out. But he is good enough. He's better than good enough. And I do accept him for the way that he is. Unfortunately, the way he lives his life and the way I live mine didn't fit.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings. Life has recently shown me a similar situation, casual friends who seem to fit together perfectly but when brought together in more intimate and personal spaces are found to be wanting. Regrettably the decision to try and shore up the friendship remains in limbo. Personally I see the friendship fading away with the intention that nothing can be saved. Perhaps we(her and I)are both still in the phase of rebounding from our last relationships. Many factors must be taken into consideration when matters of the heart are at stake. Be patient young lady, you have a good head on your shoulders, and are certainly worthy of the best mans affections. Thank you for allowing me my 2 cents on your blog.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that you even wanted to leave your 2 cents on my blog, I guess that means I'm doing something right with this thing. I think sometimes the worst breakups are the ones that don't make sense. That everything about the relationship should make sense, but something just doesn't add up. And like I tried to do with J, you can come up with a handful of reasons that can carry the blame but ultimately, it comes down to that it simply didn't work. I've learned that it can't break my faith though. I have days when I feel like I'm losing sight of it all but in the end, however all of this works out, it will be worth it. That's my driving force.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest I was surprised to see that nobody else had commented on your blog, so I took a chance and started flapping my fingers at the keys. Haven't read it all as yet, but I'll get there. I like your style and readability. It leaves me wondering if your spoken self is as animated and articulate as your typed self. I find that as far as I am concerned, I appear much smarter when I type than when I open my mouth and speak. Yes, sadly the ends of relationships do hurt. The best we can hope for is to learn from them and try not to repeat, but ultimately we end up using the last ones to judge the new one against. Of my 3 failed marriages (yes, it seems some things are learned very slowly in my mind)none of them have kept contact with me over the years. But the 2 women that I didn't have a relationship with, although I had feelings for, are still very close and trusted friends. The heartache from the first marriage was the worst to get over. First Love is a powerful thing. It will take you to places you can't even imagine as yet, the stories of one-ness and two hearts beating as one are true and very profound when you feel them. Do not go into that lightly, because if it's not the right person it will drive you lower than you think you could possibly go. Move slowly with new friends, take the time to know them well as friends and nothing more. If at some point things change and move of their own volition, keep them in check, don't let your hormones and emotions fling you willy nilly into the fray. But I think you already know these things and don't need a lecture nor a stranger tossing pennies. I see you as a smart and competent young woman with sound reasoning. You'll do fine in your life, despite the ups and downs.
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