Does That Make Me Crazy? Possibly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well my crazy train stops here. I will NOT forgive him this time. He does not deserve my love or my friendship. Over the last couple years, I have given second (third, fourth, fifth) chances to men who are undeserving. This needs to change. Steven believes he can talk to me like I am insignificant, disposable. Do you know how hurtful that is coming from someone you spent nearly 3 years of your life in love with? But after this same type of fight several times, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of him telling me to leave HIM alone (as he's texting me repeatedly), of him telling me that he and I are never ever going to happen, of being told to move on. Well challenge accepted buddy. There are no take-backs this time. There are no drunken apologies and "I didn't mean it". Yes you did. And you know what, I don't care. I am better than this. I am better than you. And it really sucks that he treated me like this because I could have missed out on a really great relationship because I am fearful of being hurt again. So when I first saw something in Jared that held a glimmer of something that Steven did, I froze. I got fucking scared and I ended it. Chances are, Jared is not the right guy for me. But what happens if my fears make me end up losing the right guy? What if I don't ever get over this insecurity, this crippling fear of loving someone to actually love someone else? This is the damage Steven has done with his comments, his coldness, his meanness. I never imagined in my life I would fall in love with someone who is so much like Jeckyll and Hyde. That there could be someone who could fool me with his kindness, his determination, his humor and make me fall in love to flip a switch and become someone who seemingly gets his kicks off making me cry. There is something mentally, emotionally wrong with him and I am not going to waste any more of time trying to fix him. I am a strong girl, I am not a stupid girl. I just got lost my balance I guess. So now I pick up the pieces, I depend on the people that actually do love me and care about me, and get myself back. It's not going to be easy, I am so beyond messed up that I can't put into words how broken I have become. But I won't be like him. I won't hurt someone who loves me with all he has because someone else broke me. I won't take someone's genuine love and destroy it because I can. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe I'm just the one who got caught in his web, someone who played his game so well.