Kaleidoscope

I'm completely convinced that Taylor Swift broke into my house, stole my journal, photocopied it, and then put it back. I swear that the girl and I are cosmically connected and our breakups are freakishly alike. Lately, I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't been myself and I've let people who essentially don't matter at all get me down. I have let little comments and looks get under my skin and I've convinced myself that one of the nicest people I know was deliberately doing things to hurt me. That is how messed up I've been from my "break up" in February. I think that everyone is playing mind games and trying to break me. Thing is, when you've lost everything, all you have left is your strength.

I watched T Swift's new video for her song "I Knew You Were Trouble" and she has this monologue at the beginning, and anyone who knows me, knows this sounds exactly like something I would say or write:

"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes backs but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything that he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And crazy thing is I don't know that I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how could the devil be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it wasn't losing him, it was losing me.... I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are".

That's exactly how I feel about Steven. I don't know why I let him come back, because every time I lose him again, it hurts even more. And then I find myself sitting in my bed at night remembering everything about him. Trying so hard to put the pieces back together. But that's all it ever is, just pieces. It's never something whole, never something I can hold in my hands for too long. I don't understand how he can convince me to let him back under my skin. I know the outcome every single damn time. But I keep letting it happen. It's the same way you know that you should stop drinking at some point but the free fall is so intoxicating that you don't even care what's on the other side. One minute with him is better than two without. Those minutes without him though? They are torture. It's a mixture of anger and sadness and not being able to breathe or see straight. It's like trying to keep your balance on a tight rope. Essentially, you're terrified but you know you have to see it through because you're too far gone to ever go back.