Moving On

I swear I have said it a thousand times in my head, aloud and in writing, but it amazes me how much your life can change in a year. Things can change so drastically, the things you knew become the past, people leave, your scenery changes, you become someone different. Here's a few things that didn't happen in 2012: I didn't get married to the man I believed I could not live without, we didn't stay together and work it out despite the odds (and all my friends) being against us, I didn't fall apart when he left.

In the past year, I have loved, lost and let go. I can tell you that losing Steven was the best thing to ever happen to me. It proved to me that I am strong, I am capable of moving on and I deserve better than what I was given in those 3 years. I found myself in losing him. But I do not give him any credit for that. If he hadn't told me, urged me, screamed at me to move on, I can guarantee you I would still be hanging on his every word, chasing him around this town like a crazy person and crying myself to sleep every single night. But with those 2 words, he set me free. He broke some invisible thread that kept me bound to him. I sucked it up, I dealt with the shit he left me with and I did move on.

I won't go as far to say that I have fallen in love with someone else but I can tell you that I am well on my way to getting there. I am happy. I am in a happy, healthy relationship with a man that treats me exactly how I deserve. He thinks I'm funny, smart and beautiful. He tells me every day how special I am, how much he cares, and how lucky he is to have me. I never got that with Steven. It was never an expectation in my relationships that I be praised, or even be told how much I'm cared about. I had never had that before so I never knew how nice it was. An apology would be nice, but I know that he won't. He never does, it's not his "thing". But it's also not required. I don't need his pleading or graveling to satisfy and fill up some hole inside of me. I don't need him anymore. I haven't felt this happy, comfortable and loved in years. I guess you never know how much you missed something until you get it back. I started 2013 feeling confident, happy and ready for this next very exciting chapter of my life. If you had told me a year ago this is where I would have been, I would have told you that it was crazy. But I'm starting to believe that crazy is good. Crazy suits me. Especially when it's the best kind of crazy, the kind that makes you laugh, turns your world upside down and leaves you a better person when it's all done. Yeah, I can deal with that.

I might fall in love a little

I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if:
-you don't realize how good looking you are
-you employ old fashioned terms of endearment
-you do not bat an eye when I spontaneously launch into something weird
-you smell incredible
-you tell me about your dreams
-you distract me from my "real" life
-you know how to listen
-you are self-deprecating, but it comes off as funny, not uncomfortable
-we cannot stop laughing around each other
-you fall in love with me a little

Blessings

The last month of my life has been a bit of a whirlwind, to say the least. I think after my last post, I realized that I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't being true to myself and the things I want and need, especially in my relationships. I have really amazing friendships and really shitty relationships. Well, I wanted both to be amazing. And you know what, now I have it. I met this really great guy who appreciates me and my weirdness. He doesn't care about my past as long as it doesn't affect our future. He thinks I'm beautiful, funny, smart. He makes me feel like I am those things, to believe for the first time in my life that I am. I am comfortable with him and with who I am with him. I didn't know it could be this good, this easy. He's all these things I never knew I needed. It feels like everything that went wrong before was leading up to that moment when it all went right. I feel so incredibly blessed.