Sometimes, it just doesn't go away. People say that eventually the hole in your heart closes and you start to feel like a whole person again. Eventually the emptiness fades and you move on with you life. Someone lied to me. Because I start to think I'm okay then it hits me like a fucking freight train. I miss him. I miss all the things I loved about him, even the things I hated about him. It really just goes to show you that when you are in love with someone, really in love with him, you love him regardless of flaws. You love him at his worst, love him at his best. That's the way it goes. I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to forget about him. But it's hard. It's unnerving that I could bump into him anywhere, at any time. And I have to accept that when I do, he might treat me like I never even mattered. That shatters me because I can't do the same. I loved him. I gave him 2 years of my life. It's not something I can shrug off. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope whatever comes next hurries up and gets here.

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.” -Joseph Gordon Levitt

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't want someone that needs me in his life, just someone who wants me there. I'm the type of girl who likes having her own interests, her own life separate from her relationship. I never want to turn into one of those girls who abandons her friends and the things that she enjoys doing because she has a boyfriend. I hate feeling smothered. I have never needed someone before, not in the way that is so consuming. I have been in that place where I wanted the guy in my life, I wanted to share everything with him and I knew it then, like I know it now, that I would be okay without him. I was completely in love with Steven, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted everything with him: making dinner on Sundays, sitting on the porch of the house we decorated and painted together, chasing our kids around the yard, date nights on Saturdays, arguing over bills and decisions about our family, talking about our days before we fell asleep. I was heartbroken when I realized that those things were not going to happen, that the happily ever after I envisioned with this person was just an illusion.

But it's life and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes you have to make choices that are very difficult but you know are the right choices in the end. Breaking up with Jared was one of the hardest things I had to do because he was so sweet and caring and warm, but he wasn't the right guy. At this point in my life, it's important that things feel right. I don't want to waste his time, or mine, in a relationship that always feels a little off.

Changes

Sometimes I think break ups are a lot easier when the guy is a total asshole. Because even though I know I made the right decision today, I feel terrible knowing I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. He is being so nice too. He just wants me to be happy and it's nice to have someone care about me that much. I wish it would've been love but sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you imagined it would have. It started out so well. I was so happy but as it progressed and we really got to know each other, it turned into something else. I needed to step back before I started to hate him for the things that were making me unhappy. I think I was just so easily swept off my feet that I didn't see the things that were obviously wrong in our relationship. We each have personal things to work on. I need to heal better from the last time because I was letting my insecurities from my last relationship cloud my judgment. I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of what it meant to be single again. But I'm ready to face that next chapter and see what's out there. I feel better about being on my own. He gave me the confidence boost I needed. I'm ready now. I'm better now.

Run Ins

I saw my ex tonight. I had this unexpected reaction. I was okay. I didn't feel like screaming at him or going batshit crazy. I wanted to tell him it was okay. That we would both end up okay. That it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to pretend we don't know each other. Although there are some days when I wake up and I miss him so much that it makes me sick that I wish I had never met him. There are days when I'm angry for what he's done to me, for what he did to us. And those days I wish I didn't know him. But we aren't allowed to take moments back, that's not how life works. We make choices, we are forced to face the choices others make, and we have to get through it. Even when it seems impossible, even when its heartbreaking to imagine your life beyond a particular moment. I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's happy because that's what it was always about... I wanted him happy. But I want to be happy too. I deserve the same. And I'm getting there. Slowly but I'm on my way. I had more invested so it's taking me a little bit longer to get there. It just feels like a surreal moment. A split second glance then he was gone before I knew it. Like I was invisible, like I didn't even matter. That's the thing about exes, you never know how they are going to effect you. It was like getting the rug ripped out from under me in the gentlest way possible. But somehow I still ended up on my ass. I suppose that's the effect he has, and always will have. Some things never do change.

Mantra

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

Just keep repeating until it's true? I think I've just been feeling down from all the little reminders of everything I would like to forget. Plus I really miss my family. I haven't been home since June. That's a long time to be apart from the people who love me for me, the people I am most myself around.

I did spend my day sleeping, wandering around Hobby Lobby and painting, so I am feeling a lot better. I just needed some serious me time. I think I'm getting back on my feet. I started a new book this evening so I am looking forward to crawling into bed with that and escaping the world for a little bit longer.

In a funk

You know that feeling where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty and every little thing gets to you and everyone that talks to you makes you angry and you want to punch everyone in the face and go to another world that’s full of fairies and talking mushrooms and everything is perfect? I hate that feeling. Because that's how I'm feeling today. Either I'm incapable of being happy, or I'm really unhappy. I don't know. I keep comparing happy now to happy then and it just doesn't measure up. But nothing is ever going to feel like that again because I'm not going to get it back. You know how people look at their past through rose colored glasses? I guess I fall into that category. Except that I know how I was treated was super shitty. But sometimes I find myself simultaneously missing him and wishing I had never met him. And I can't seem to let myself find out what happy is without him. It's not fair to the people in my life. It's not fair for me to walk around feeling indifferent about everyone and everything.

Sometimes it takes actually talking about your past to really come to terms with your past. I spent time with a friend the other day and she asked what happened in my last relationship. I've kept a lot of it to myself because I'm equally embarrassed for the part I played and genuinely still heartbroken. I think I realized that I am as over that part of my past as I ever will be. Its something that sticks with you forever. That first love that really broke you, the one that changed everything. Realizing that is what makes you go "Oh fuck, I'm never gonna let it go am I?" Maybe that's why I'm a flaming bitch today. Or maybe it's hormones. Who the hell knows anymore? But sleep fixes everything.