In a funk

You know that feeling where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty and every little thing gets to you and everyone that talks to you makes you angry and you want to punch everyone in the face and go to another world that’s full of fairies and talking mushrooms and everything is perfect? I hate that feeling. Because that's how I'm feeling today. Either I'm incapable of being happy, or I'm really unhappy. I don't know. I keep comparing happy now to happy then and it just doesn't measure up. But nothing is ever going to feel like that again because I'm not going to get it back. You know how people look at their past through rose colored glasses? I guess I fall into that category. Except that I know how I was treated was super shitty. But sometimes I find myself simultaneously missing him and wishing I had never met him. And I can't seem to let myself find out what happy is without him. It's not fair to the people in my life. It's not fair for me to walk around feeling indifferent about everyone and everything.

Sometimes it takes actually talking about your past to really come to terms with your past. I spent time with a friend the other day and she asked what happened in my last relationship. I've kept a lot of it to myself because I'm equally embarrassed for the part I played and genuinely still heartbroken. I think I realized that I am as over that part of my past as I ever will be. Its something that sticks with you forever. That first love that really broke you, the one that changed everything. Realizing that is what makes you go "Oh fuck, I'm never gonna let it go am I?" Maybe that's why I'm a flaming bitch today. Or maybe it's hormones. Who the hell knows anymore? But sleep fixes everything.