Run Ins

I saw my ex tonight. I had this unexpected reaction. I was okay. I didn't feel like screaming at him or going batshit crazy. I wanted to tell him it was okay. That we would both end up okay. That it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to pretend we don't know each other. Although there are some days when I wake up and I miss him so much that it makes me sick that I wish I had never met him. There are days when I'm angry for what he's done to me, for what he did to us. And those days I wish I didn't know him. But we aren't allowed to take moments back, that's not how life works. We make choices, we are forced to face the choices others make, and we have to get through it. Even when it seems impossible, even when its heartbreaking to imagine your life beyond a particular moment. I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's happy because that's what it was always about... I wanted him happy. But I want to be happy too. I deserve the same. And I'm getting there. Slowly but I'm on my way. I had more invested so it's taking me a little bit longer to get there. It just feels like a surreal moment. A split second glance then he was gone before I knew it. Like I was invisible, like I didn't even matter. That's the thing about exes, you never know how they are going to effect you. It was like getting the rug ripped out from under me in the gentlest way possible. But somehow I still ended up on my ass. I suppose that's the effect he has, and always will have. Some things never do change.