As I am heading straight into my mid-twenties, I have had a good amount of relationship experience. All of my relationships have been significantly different, all of my boyfriends have been different types of men. Yet I have noticed, my friends have boyfriends that are the duplicate of some of my past ones. (And sometimes, one boyfriend will fit several of these descriptions. For me, his name started with a S)...
1. The "Not Around My Bros" Boyfriend
You will struggle with this boyfriend to be a part of his friend life. Because this is how it goes: He's got his bros and you don't possess a penis (this is really the only requirement to be in the Bros Club). You want to hang out with him with his friends around occasionally? Yeah, no. It might be weird... You want to hold his hand while co-mingling with the boys? No, don't do that. You are essentially the equivalent to his mother wiping his face with a spit soaked napkin in kindergarten. This Boyfriend would prefer you don't humiliate him.
2. The "Don't Be So Damn Crazy" Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend every day, are you trying to impede on his down time? Do you really have to text him EVERY DAY? Don't you understand that sometimes he just want to disappear off the face of the earth for a few days and leave you to agonize over what you could have possible done to upset him, only to be referred to as "crazy" (or it's annoying cousin, "crazy bitch") when you demand an explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being "crazy" if signs are shown of actually having a backbone.
3. The "Single Life" Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy being cheated on, because this Boyfriend will drive you mad while you insist that he just admit that he fucked up because you have all but photographic evidence that he has stepped out. He is there to make you doubt yourself and drive you crazy while he is off gallivanting around town, probably sexting the random girls he met at a bar. You can look forward to him simultaneously betraying your confidence and and telling you in all seriousness that he loves you and would never hurt you. This does not make the wounds he causes hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn't.)
4. The "Commitment? OH HELL NO" Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has a biological clock, much like the one your mother keeps reminding you that you have and should listen to because she wants grandbabies dammit! The difference here is that his clock is set to go off at the "Moment We Start to Get Emotionally Involved" and it has one function. When set off, watch out. It will make him run out the door so damn fast that his feet will literally catch fire. Enjoy becoming emotionally invested in him only to find out that he's the non-millionaire version of Carrie's Mr. Big, who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given amazing shoes as a goodbye gift.
5. The "Non-Boyfriend" Boyfriend
If it looks like a boyfriend, calls like a boyfriend, and seamlessly fits into you life like boyfriend, it's a boyfriend, right? Not with this Boyfriend. He will call you, not just late at night either. He will talk about your futures together, you will have sweet date nights, and he might even introduce you to important members of his family. But then it comes time for the talk, and he looks like at you like you're crazy. His favorite line will sound something like "I'm not ready for that, but aren't we having fun right now?" He will keep you hanging by a string, one that keeps you convinced that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you. Chances are, he won't.
6. The "Heartbreaker" Boyfriend
Unlike the other relationships, the end of this one will come as a shock. As you're cruising along in a certain state of bliss, realizing that you are actually happy and kind of unsettled by the fact that nothing has gone wrong yet. He seems to have all the qualities you are looking for-including the one to enter into a relationship of mutual respect and commitment. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping through your fingers like sand, though you want to make yourself love him the way you did before. But then it's over. Like all the others, but without a satisfying feeling for getting rid of a guy who wasn't right for you, it's over.
And then you hope that (after a good amount of frog-kissing), that you are finally going to find that one Boyfriend who isn't going to end up an ex.
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