Sometimes, it just doesn't go away. People say that eventually the hole in your heart closes and you start to feel like a whole person again. Eventually the emptiness fades and you move on with you life. Someone lied to me. Because I start to think I'm okay then it hits me like a fucking freight train. I miss him. I miss all the things I loved about him, even the things I hated about him. It really just goes to show you that when you are in love with someone, really in love with him, you love him regardless of flaws. You love him at his worst, love him at his best. That's the way it goes. I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to forget about him. But it's hard. It's unnerving that I could bump into him anywhere, at any time. And I have to accept that when I do, he might treat me like I never even mattered. That shatters me because I can't do the same. I loved him. I gave him 2 years of my life. It's not something I can shrug off. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope whatever comes next hurries up and gets here.

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.” -Joseph Gordon Levitt

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't want someone that needs me in his life, just someone who wants me there. I'm the type of girl who likes having her own interests, her own life separate from her relationship. I never want to turn into one of those girls who abandons her friends and the things that she enjoys doing because she has a boyfriend. I hate feeling smothered. I have never needed someone before, not in the way that is so consuming. I have been in that place where I wanted the guy in my life, I wanted to share everything with him and I knew it then, like I know it now, that I would be okay without him. I was completely in love with Steven, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted everything with him: making dinner on Sundays, sitting on the porch of the house we decorated and painted together, chasing our kids around the yard, date nights on Saturdays, arguing over bills and decisions about our family, talking about our days before we fell asleep. I was heartbroken when I realized that those things were not going to happen, that the happily ever after I envisioned with this person was just an illusion.

But it's life and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes you have to make choices that are very difficult but you know are the right choices in the end. Breaking up with Jared was one of the hardest things I had to do because he was so sweet and caring and warm, but he wasn't the right guy. At this point in my life, it's important that things feel right. I don't want to waste his time, or mine, in a relationship that always feels a little off.

Changes

Sometimes I think break ups are a lot easier when the guy is a total asshole. Because even though I know I made the right decision today, I feel terrible knowing I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. He is being so nice too. He just wants me to be happy and it's nice to have someone care about me that much. I wish it would've been love but sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you imagined it would have. It started out so well. I was so happy but as it progressed and we really got to know each other, it turned into something else. I needed to step back before I started to hate him for the things that were making me unhappy. I think I was just so easily swept off my feet that I didn't see the things that were obviously wrong in our relationship. We each have personal things to work on. I need to heal better from the last time because I was letting my insecurities from my last relationship cloud my judgment. I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of what it meant to be single again. But I'm ready to face that next chapter and see what's out there. I feel better about being on my own. He gave me the confidence boost I needed. I'm ready now. I'm better now.

Run Ins

I saw my ex tonight. I had this unexpected reaction. I was okay. I didn't feel like screaming at him or going batshit crazy. I wanted to tell him it was okay. That we would both end up okay. That it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to pretend we don't know each other. Although there are some days when I wake up and I miss him so much that it makes me sick that I wish I had never met him. There are days when I'm angry for what he's done to me, for what he did to us. And those days I wish I didn't know him. But we aren't allowed to take moments back, that's not how life works. We make choices, we are forced to face the choices others make, and we have to get through it. Even when it seems impossible, even when its heartbreaking to imagine your life beyond a particular moment. I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's happy because that's what it was always about... I wanted him happy. But I want to be happy too. I deserve the same. And I'm getting there. Slowly but I'm on my way. I had more invested so it's taking me a little bit longer to get there. It just feels like a surreal moment. A split second glance then he was gone before I knew it. Like I was invisible, like I didn't even matter. That's the thing about exes, you never know how they are going to effect you. It was like getting the rug ripped out from under me in the gentlest way possible. But somehow I still ended up on my ass. I suppose that's the effect he has, and always will have. Some things never do change.

Mantra

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

Just keep repeating until it's true? I think I've just been feeling down from all the little reminders of everything I would like to forget. Plus I really miss my family. I haven't been home since June. That's a long time to be apart from the people who love me for me, the people I am most myself around.

I did spend my day sleeping, wandering around Hobby Lobby and painting, so I am feeling a lot better. I just needed some serious me time. I think I'm getting back on my feet. I started a new book this evening so I am looking forward to crawling into bed with that and escaping the world for a little bit longer.

In a funk

You know that feeling where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty and every little thing gets to you and everyone that talks to you makes you angry and you want to punch everyone in the face and go to another world that’s full of fairies and talking mushrooms and everything is perfect? I hate that feeling. Because that's how I'm feeling today. Either I'm incapable of being happy, or I'm really unhappy. I don't know. I keep comparing happy now to happy then and it just doesn't measure up. But nothing is ever going to feel like that again because I'm not going to get it back. You know how people look at their past through rose colored glasses? I guess I fall into that category. Except that I know how I was treated was super shitty. But sometimes I find myself simultaneously missing him and wishing I had never met him. And I can't seem to let myself find out what happy is without him. It's not fair to the people in my life. It's not fair for me to walk around feeling indifferent about everyone and everything.

Sometimes it takes actually talking about your past to really come to terms with your past. I spent time with a friend the other day and she asked what happened in my last relationship. I've kept a lot of it to myself because I'm equally embarrassed for the part I played and genuinely still heartbroken. I think I realized that I am as over that part of my past as I ever will be. Its something that sticks with you forever. That first love that really broke you, the one that changed everything. Realizing that is what makes you go "Oh fuck, I'm never gonna let it go am I?" Maybe that's why I'm a flaming bitch today. Or maybe it's hormones. Who the hell knows anymore? But sleep fixes everything.

Post Grad

Do you ever get that feeling that half the people in your life don't understand your particular brand of crazy? Sometimes I feel so lost. I was the girl in high school who had it figured out. I had my shit together ya'll. And now? Well.... now, I'm a hot mess. Not that it's totally bad. I just have some seriously bad karma or something. Which bemuses me because I'm a genuinely nice person. I mean, how does this crap KEEP happening to me? I need to get it together. I always thought I would have this great life. Think Sex in the City... sitting in my cute little apartment, writing fun articles for some fab magazine before going out in a killer dress and heels to meet my awesome friends at some swanky bar. But in reality, I'm sitting in my crappy little duplex (very awesomely decorated though), writing a blog while in my pjs. Yeah it is a Friday night. No, I'm not totally lame. I've had a VERY trying week. Recap? We shall...

The week began with a little bump in the road of my seemingly perfect (to the outside world) relationship. I adore my boyfriend. He's funny and he thinks I'm the coolest, funniest, prettiest girl ever. See where the notion of perfect relationship is coming from? Now, like all relationships, we have our problems. We both come with a hefty amount of baggage. And as two people in our mid-twenties, we are trying to figure which of those particular suitcases can be abandoned at the baggage claim. I've got a bag full of douchebag ex-boyfriends that left me with some seriously messed up notions of what it means to be in love. And he... well he's got his stuff. It's not my stuff to share. We hit this bump in the road after a night out. I stayed sober because I like sleeping in my own bed and even though I'm one of the youngest in my group of friends, I like to make sure everyone is taken care of. It's my mothering instincts I guess (even though the idea of being someone's mom totally freaks me out). SO anyway, one drink led to another which led to another which led to some crap I don't ever want to see again. I have a long list of exes that have drinking problems and I started to feel that same anxiety all over. And it made me freak out. Like to the point I considered throwing in the towel. But ultimately I decided that I needed to give him the opportunity to take control of his issues and change. People are capable of that (right??). So we decided it was best to give me some breathing room. And now I miss him. (Did I forget to mention I have issues? Like I could use some therapy to work through the handful of shit my past relationships left with me).

So besides that, I recently moved into a new place and just got slapped in the face with a HUGE bill from the last place. They replaced the carpeting in the entire house and expect me to pay for it! I'm a clean freak... seriously, I went around that place and cleaned the baseboards with a toothbrush. It's not my fault you bought shitty carpet that holds onto dirt like a childhood blankie. So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this and find a second (technically third) job to bring in some extra money. Or really, any money, because I don't have any. So that's fun.

Next week, I need to make this really awesome phone call and figure out how I can push off my student loan repayment for another year. Like I mentioned, I'm a broke kid. I have a college degree and I work in retail. Pretty awesome, yes? Now, don't get me wrong I LOVE my job. It's so much fun and I love the girls I work with. Plus my boss trusts me and gives me a lot of creative freedom (when corporate allows it). I get to make up contests to keep spirits high and I use glitter almost as much as an elementary school teacher. It's sweet job in which I get to play dress up all the time and there's tons of pink and glitter everywhere. Unless you're the mother or sister of a tween girl, you probably haven't put it together. I work at Justice, a tween girl's clothing store that caters to building the girl's self-esteem and character while keeping her fashionable. It really is an awesome company to work for. I'm working my way to corporate. As cheesy as it sounds, I really do want to make a difference in the lives of young girls. I'm the oldest sister of 5 girls (there's one boy too but he kinda does his own thing). I try to be the best role model possible for them and they look up to me. That's a scary big burden to carry. But one I would never give up.

Other than relationship woes, and money issues, I haven't been sleeping. At all. It's terrible. And it makes me not very fun to be around. So tonight I decided to take it easy.  Boyfriend is off having fun at his family's farm, and my family is 180 miles away, so I'm having a Jenny night. I'm going to watch Young Adult, because I feel like I'm going to totally relate to the main character, and hang out with my dog. It's pretty close to a perfect night in. I just hope eventually I get some sleep. Tomorrow marks the last day of this shitty week (I work on a retail schedule, my weeks start with Sunday and end with Saturday) and it's the first Mizzou football game of the 2012 season. GO TIGERS! I would love to be tailgating, but I'll be holding down the fort at Justice.

This blog is intended to give some insight into the life of a 20-something post grad. I'm getting an education in life here people. And like I said, I'm a hot mess. These are my misadventures, my missteps, my mishaps. I'll get there eventually.