Growing up sometimes sucks.

As a big sister, I always seem to have to be on my game. I'm the first to do many things and I have to leave a good example. I don't mind being a role model, it's actually incredibly humbling and has made me a better person because I have to think about the consequences of my actions and how they might affect my siblings. But there are some days when being the voice of reason, being the "big sis" is incredibly difficult. Tonight, my little brother's heart was totally shattered. I had to push my opinion of the cold-hearted bitch that left him in pieces to myself and put on my big sister pants. The hardest part of getting a younger sibling through a difficult time is that it makes me relive the time when I was exactly in the same position. Talking to my brother and reassuring him that it goes up from here brought back very vividly the time when I was at my lowest. I know exactly how he feels. He's betrayed, broken, and feeling like he's never going to get over this and utterly alone. Like many of us, we don't always see the whole picture as it's all unfolding. It took me some time to realize that the way I was treated in the particular relationship that broke me that what I was getting was not love. Sometimes it looked like love, sometimes it even felt like love. But someone who loves another person doesn't deliberately do things to hurt you. They don't lie, cheat, or disrespect you. They don't give up on you and they sure as hell don't leave when it gets rough. 

It's hard for him to see around this. I understand that. But I am walking proof that life goes on. I am the prime example that love exists after something like that. And it's REAL love and it makes you happy, it feels good and its not so damn hard. I have been so incredibly fortunate to meet someone who is everything I always wanted but never thought I would have. He is respectful of my values, boundaries and space. He's open, honest and one of the best people I've ever met. As a sister, I want that for all my siblings. I want them to have healthy, happy relationships and I am finally at a place in my life where I feel like they can look up at me for it. I hope that I said the right things. I know that it takes time to heal and I will be there for him every step of the way. 

Moving On

I swear I have said it a thousand times in my head, aloud and in writing, but it amazes me how much your life can change in a year. Things can change so drastically, the things you knew become the past, people leave, your scenery changes, you become someone different. Here's a few things that didn't happen in 2012: I didn't get married to the man I believed I could not live without, we didn't stay together and work it out despite the odds (and all my friends) being against us, I didn't fall apart when he left.

In the past year, I have loved, lost and let go. I can tell you that losing Steven was the best thing to ever happen to me. It proved to me that I am strong, I am capable of moving on and I deserve better than what I was given in those 3 years. I found myself in losing him. But I do not give him any credit for that. If he hadn't told me, urged me, screamed at me to move on, I can guarantee you I would still be hanging on his every word, chasing him around this town like a crazy person and crying myself to sleep every single night. But with those 2 words, he set me free. He broke some invisible thread that kept me bound to him. I sucked it up, I dealt with the shit he left me with and I did move on.

I won't go as far to say that I have fallen in love with someone else but I can tell you that I am well on my way to getting there. I am happy. I am in a happy, healthy relationship with a man that treats me exactly how I deserve. He thinks I'm funny, smart and beautiful. He tells me every day how special I am, how much he cares, and how lucky he is to have me. I never got that with Steven. It was never an expectation in my relationships that I be praised, or even be told how much I'm cared about. I had never had that before so I never knew how nice it was. An apology would be nice, but I know that he won't. He never does, it's not his "thing". But it's also not required. I don't need his pleading or graveling to satisfy and fill up some hole inside of me. I don't need him anymore. I haven't felt this happy, comfortable and loved in years. I guess you never know how much you missed something until you get it back. I started 2013 feeling confident, happy and ready for this next very exciting chapter of my life. If you had told me a year ago this is where I would have been, I would have told you that it was crazy. But I'm starting to believe that crazy is good. Crazy suits me. Especially when it's the best kind of crazy, the kind that makes you laugh, turns your world upside down and leaves you a better person when it's all done. Yeah, I can deal with that.

I might fall in love a little

I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if:
-you don't realize how good looking you are
-you employ old fashioned terms of endearment
-you do not bat an eye when I spontaneously launch into something weird
-you smell incredible
-you tell me about your dreams
-you distract me from my "real" life
-you know how to listen
-you are self-deprecating, but it comes off as funny, not uncomfortable
-we cannot stop laughing around each other
-you fall in love with me a little

Blessings

The last month of my life has been a bit of a whirlwind, to say the least. I think after my last post, I realized that I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't being true to myself and the things I want and need, especially in my relationships. I have really amazing friendships and really shitty relationships. Well, I wanted both to be amazing. And you know what, now I have it. I met this really great guy who appreciates me and my weirdness. He doesn't care about my past as long as it doesn't affect our future. He thinks I'm beautiful, funny, smart. He makes me feel like I am those things, to believe for the first time in my life that I am. I am comfortable with him and with who I am with him. I didn't know it could be this good, this easy. He's all these things I never knew I needed. It feels like everything that went wrong before was leading up to that moment when it all went right. I feel so incredibly blessed.

Does That Make Me Crazy? Possibly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well my crazy train stops here. I will NOT forgive him this time. He does not deserve my love or my friendship. Over the last couple years, I have given second (third, fourth, fifth) chances to men who are undeserving. This needs to change. Steven believes he can talk to me like I am insignificant, disposable. Do you know how hurtful that is coming from someone you spent nearly 3 years of your life in love with? But after this same type of fight several times, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of him telling me to leave HIM alone (as he's texting me repeatedly), of him telling me that he and I are never ever going to happen, of being told to move on. Well challenge accepted buddy. There are no take-backs this time. There are no drunken apologies and "I didn't mean it". Yes you did. And you know what, I don't care. I am better than this. I am better than you. And it really sucks that he treated me like this because I could have missed out on a really great relationship because I am fearful of being hurt again. So when I first saw something in Jared that held a glimmer of something that Steven did, I froze. I got fucking scared and I ended it. Chances are, Jared is not the right guy for me. But what happens if my fears make me end up losing the right guy? What if I don't ever get over this insecurity, this crippling fear of loving someone to actually love someone else? This is the damage Steven has done with his comments, his coldness, his meanness. I never imagined in my life I would fall in love with someone who is so much like Jeckyll and Hyde. That there could be someone who could fool me with his kindness, his determination, his humor and make me fall in love to flip a switch and become someone who seemingly gets his kicks off making me cry. There is something mentally, emotionally wrong with him and I am not going to waste any more of time trying to fix him. I am a strong girl, I am not a stupid girl. I just got lost my balance I guess. So now I pick up the pieces, I depend on the people that actually do love me and care about me, and get myself back. It's not going to be easy, I am so beyond messed up that I can't put into words how broken I have become. But I won't be like him. I won't hurt someone who loves me with all he has because someone else broke me. I won't take someone's genuine love and destroy it because I can. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe I'm just the one who got caught in his web, someone who played his game so well.

I hope you understand the gravity of what you’ve done. This isn’t like every other fight we’ve had when you drink too much and make me cry. This isn’t about you saying things you don’t mean, this is about you finally being honest with me and I just don’t care. You don’t get to apologize this time in a few days or weeks and come crawling back. There are no apologies that will fix this, there are no words you can say or things you can do to win me back this time. You have made what could be the greatest mistake of your life and I’m not going to be sorry for that. I don’t pity you for losing your cool or drinking too much. You are an adult that doesn’t even begin to know what respect is. You are a user, an emotional abuser and a liar. I’m just sorry that it took me 3 years to learn that. 

Kaleidoscope

I'm completely convinced that Taylor Swift broke into my house, stole my journal, photocopied it, and then put it back. I swear that the girl and I are cosmically connected and our breakups are freakishly alike. Lately, I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't been myself and I've let people who essentially don't matter at all get me down. I have let little comments and looks get under my skin and I've convinced myself that one of the nicest people I know was deliberately doing things to hurt me. That is how messed up I've been from my "break up" in February. I think that everyone is playing mind games and trying to break me. Thing is, when you've lost everything, all you have left is your strength.

I watched T Swift's new video for her song "I Knew You Were Trouble" and she has this monologue at the beginning, and anyone who knows me, knows this sounds exactly like something I would say or write:

"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes backs but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything that he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And crazy thing is I don't know that I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how could the devil be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it wasn't losing him, it was losing me.... I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are".

That's exactly how I feel about Steven. I don't know why I let him come back, because every time I lose him again, it hurts even more. And then I find myself sitting in my bed at night remembering everything about him. Trying so hard to put the pieces back together. But that's all it ever is, just pieces. It's never something whole, never something I can hold in my hands for too long. I don't understand how he can convince me to let him back under my skin. I know the outcome every single damn time. But I keep letting it happen. It's the same way you know that you should stop drinking at some point but the free fall is so intoxicating that you don't even care what's on the other side. One minute with him is better than two without. Those minutes without him though? They are torture. It's a mixture of anger and sadness and not being able to breathe or see straight. It's like trying to keep your balance on a tight rope. Essentially, you're terrified but you know you have to see it through because you're too far gone to ever go back.