In the span of a year

It's amazing what a difference a year can make. On December 29, 2012, I embarked on a journey of love that has forever changed my life. A few short weeks after that on January 14, 2013, I officially found myself in a relationship. Probably before I was ready to be in it but I knew even back then that it wasn't the kind of love you keep waiting. It was this bug kind of love that turns your world upside down. And it really did. Tyler was more than I could ever imagine I needed or wanted. He made me better. He took all the pain of my past and all those let downs and he made it all make sense. Nothing before him was going to work our because it wasn't meant to. It was all leading to him. Every path, every broken heart, every night I wondered when I would get to finally be happy, it was all leading to that moment when he walked into my life. I never for a second would have thought he would ever walk out. Now a year after our love story began, we are watching it fall apart. And there isn't really anything for us to do to stop it. Our lives are leading us down paths that will be incredibly hard to make the same path. I didn't know my heart could hurt this much. I want to keep fighting for us because I still believe with everything I have that he's the one. But I cannot be in a relationship alone, I can't be the only who still has faith. He and I have been through so much and I know we are strong enough but I can't make him see my way. So now as one wonderful year of love comes to an end, we find ourselves embarking on a year full of heartache and wonder. Will we come out of this stronger? We will still want each other in the end? Will this next year make us or break us? I can only hope he finds his way back to me. I know I will still love him in 6 months, a year, 5 years.... The rest of my life. I want him forever. But it seems all I can do now is let him go.

Heartbreak

I think this is one of those things you don't recover from. You move on eventually, somehow. Only because you have to. You learn to breather again but you will never ever be the same. When something fragile breaks, you can glue the pieces back but it always feels different. You might even lose a piece or two and you're left with this nearly whole thing but it has some missing pieces, a few voids. I think that's my heart. I don't think I can put it back together. I've had my heart broken before, that's a known fact that I won't deny but I have never been shattered. I have never reached that point where I crumbled to a heap on the ground because the weight of the sadness was too much. But I did last night. I felt the worst kind of pain. Not a physical pain that pills or shots can numb but the pain of losing the thing you never imagined you would lose. I don't know how it gets better. I just know that it does. And now I have to get there because this is what he's making me do. I don't have any other choice than to let it go.

A little rant on respect

I think I hold people to too high of standards. I guess I'd like to think that most people in the world are like me and they respect each other, are kind to one another and care about the general well being of people. I give respect to people almost immediately only to be let down time and time again. I guess respect should be earned and not given. I hate feeling angry but I think I don't let myself be angry enough. Especially when someone disrespects me. Especially when that person is someone I hold to the highest level of respect, someone I love unconditionally (even when he doesn't deserve it) and would never ever intentionally hurt them. I don't know what I'm suppose to be feeling right now,  but it's shitty. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And he thinks it's fine because he said sorry. I get that things can be overwhelming sometimes and you need to take a step back and clear your head. But I'm not just some random person in his life, I'm his damn girlfriend and you pick up the phone when I call, you reply to my text messages. Even if it's just to tell me you need a little bit of space at the moment. I can deal with that. I cannot and will not deal with the disappearing acts. I've been in that relationship before and I came out broken and insecure. It's so disrespectful. You don't make someone you care about worry about you. Apparently I need to not be so damn nice. Apparently love and respect do not go hand in hand.

Hold Onto the Good

It has been a tough week for America. It has been a tough week for me. I guess I should start this blog with saying that Tyler and I are back together. Things aren't perfect and there are still things that need fixing but I think we both realized that we need each other now more than ever before. Life is tough. And things get hard and sometimes, life just sucks. It never fails that it will kick you when you're down. But if you push out all the good, all you're going to see is the bad. You're going to forget what it feels like to be happy. You're going to forget what it's like to feel good. It doesn't make sense to let go of someone who makes you happy. Not happy in the moment, not superficially happy. But if someone gets to your heart and genuinely makes you feel like a better person: YOU DON'T LET IT GO. I don't care if things feel hard or you feel overwhelmed. You take a deep breath, take a step back and talk it out. If what America has gone through lately has taught me anything, it's that life is incredibly short and things can change in a single instant. You have to love and love big. You have to tell people how you feel about them because you might never get a second chance. Live your life on your terms. I think what Tyler and I have realized is that the only two people who matter in our relationship are the two of us. Our family and friends might have their own opinions but at the end of the day, we have each other. And that's more than a lot of people can say. You can have money, you can have a dream job but if you don't have anyone to share your life with, it doesn't mean anything. We have to hold onto the good.

Broken

I guess it didn't matter if I was ready because he wasn't. My heart is shattered. It hurts to breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. Every piece of me misses him already. It's like a big hole is in my heart and I am never going to be the same.

Grown Up Love

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. No surprise there. It's a thought that is never that far away. I've started thinking about promises of forever.

In grade school, your forevers last for weeks. High school, they last months. In your college years and the few years that follow, those forevers can last years. Then you have that one promise of forever that will last, well... forever. Sometimes, even though I'm a hopeless romantic, I tend to look at love with my type A, meticulous personality. I make lists and I try to scientifically prove that I can make a promise of forever and keep it. Not for myself, but for Tyler. It's scary. I think that's how you know that you're really in love, when it becomes self-less. It stops being about me and what makes me happy and becomes more about how I can try not to ruin the life of the person I absolutely adore. I'm good at ruining things. I'm an expert at sabotage and I'm really good at blaming others when it all falls apart. I'm also really good at pretending that I can still run about doing whatever I want. But grown-up love it's like that. Grown up love isn't about what makes me happy, it's about doing whatever it takes to stay in love another day. And that will mostly be what makes me happy but sometimes, that very thing makes me want to throw things against the wall.

It's almost destructive to get everything you want. You spend so much time wishing for that job or that right love to come along so when you finally get it, you start to wonder if you even wanted it at all. So you start make shiny new wishes that put your other wishes to shame. That must be the secret to happiness-having it all and not taking another bite. To be content with all you have, with everything you wanted.

I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, to separate myself from everything I had and everything I knew. I did it and it wasn't enough...

I wanted a kind, trustworthy, best-friend kind of love that would never break my heart...

Somedays, it's tough. I have had moments when I'm sitting there, catching my teardrops in my hands wondering why I thought this was what I wanted in my life. I've thought about throwing in the towel but then I have that moment of realization. Nothing ever worthwhile is easy. And sometimes, to get what you want, you have to work at it. Most days, everything is pretty near perfect. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I just get scared, you know? I get scared of promising someone forever. Especially someone who was given that same promise before and it left him shattered. But as each day goes by, I am more assured that this is the person I need in my life. This is the person it all led up, why all those other forevers didn't last. This man makes me whole. And I need to work on not sabotaging all my happy because of my fears. You only get one forever, and I want to make this one count.

All Too Well

I own everything that has happened to me. I will tell my stories. If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

I think sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what I'm feeling, but it's all so complicated. There is just such a mess of feelings of going on. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And when I try to put all the pieces together, it doesn't make sense anymore. Trying to figure out the way I feel right now just doesn't work. Sometimes I think what I need to do is sit down and write about what happened, from the beginning all the way to the end. And maybe not try to sugar coat it or make it make any sense. I think I need to stop being afraid of how it's going to make me seem, like I might come off desperate or clingy. I think even though he broke me, I'm a little reserved about telling the truth about him because I did love him. But there's so much more to the story than anyone really knows. If I just tell the story of what happened, maybe I could find some closure or some clarity. In the beginning there was so much happiness and so much love. And then it all just went away. What happens to that love, where is it suppose to go? Even though I've moved on and I'm in a better place, sometimes I think I need to get it all out. It might help me let it all go. It might be the only way to save myself. Because right now, I remember it all too well.

But I can't go down that road tonight. It's going to take more out of me than I'm willing to let go of. It's going to take time and I don't know if I'm willing to give him another damn second of my life.

Love.

It's been a little bit since my last post and I think part of that is that I'm afraid of jinxing my relationship by writing about it and the other part is that I've been so busy falling in love that I forgot about my blog. I'm really happy. Really, really happy. Everything that ever went wrong before makes since now. It was all leading me here, to Tyler. Like all relationships, we are going to have bumps and potholes in our relationship, but what makes a good, lasting relationship is the ability to work through them. Turns out, we're great communicators. Even when he had a freak out moment, he tried his damnedest to explain to me what he was feeling and going through. I never imagined that I would find someone who was everything I ever wanted but never thought I would have. He brings out the best in me and I never have any reservations about being myself. We are so comfortable around each other. It's definitely something different to be in a relationship and not have to hold my tongue or constantly wonder "Should I have said that?" He reassures me when I need it, he holds me when I'm upset, and makes me laugh more than anyone else. I didn't think I would ever find this. After what I went through, I wasn't sure I was capable of falling in love again. But here I am, grinning like a fool just thinking about him. He's the best guy. But he's also human. He doesn't try to be anything that he's not. And he lets me be everything I am. It's an amazing feeling.

Growing up sometimes sucks.

As a big sister, I always seem to have to be on my game. I'm the first to do many things and I have to leave a good example. I don't mind being a role model, it's actually incredibly humbling and has made me a better person because I have to think about the consequences of my actions and how they might affect my siblings. But there are some days when being the voice of reason, being the "big sis" is incredibly difficult. Tonight, my little brother's heart was totally shattered. I had to push my opinion of the cold-hearted bitch that left him in pieces to myself and put on my big sister pants. The hardest part of getting a younger sibling through a difficult time is that it makes me relive the time when I was exactly in the same position. Talking to my brother and reassuring him that it goes up from here brought back very vividly the time when I was at my lowest. I know exactly how he feels. He's betrayed, broken, and feeling like he's never going to get over this and utterly alone. Like many of us, we don't always see the whole picture as it's all unfolding. It took me some time to realize that the way I was treated in the particular relationship that broke me that what I was getting was not love. Sometimes it looked like love, sometimes it even felt like love. But someone who loves another person doesn't deliberately do things to hurt you. They don't lie, cheat, or disrespect you. They don't give up on you and they sure as hell don't leave when it gets rough. 

It's hard for him to see around this. I understand that. But I am walking proof that life goes on. I am the prime example that love exists after something like that. And it's REAL love and it makes you happy, it feels good and its not so damn hard. I have been so incredibly fortunate to meet someone who is everything I always wanted but never thought I would have. He is respectful of my values, boundaries and space. He's open, honest and one of the best people I've ever met. As a sister, I want that for all my siblings. I want them to have healthy, happy relationships and I am finally at a place in my life where I feel like they can look up at me for it. I hope that I said the right things. I know that it takes time to heal and I will be there for him every step of the way. 

Moving On

I swear I have said it a thousand times in my head, aloud and in writing, but it amazes me how much your life can change in a year. Things can change so drastically, the things you knew become the past, people leave, your scenery changes, you become someone different. Here's a few things that didn't happen in 2012: I didn't get married to the man I believed I could not live without, we didn't stay together and work it out despite the odds (and all my friends) being against us, I didn't fall apart when he left.

In the past year, I have loved, lost and let go. I can tell you that losing Steven was the best thing to ever happen to me. It proved to me that I am strong, I am capable of moving on and I deserve better than what I was given in those 3 years. I found myself in losing him. But I do not give him any credit for that. If he hadn't told me, urged me, screamed at me to move on, I can guarantee you I would still be hanging on his every word, chasing him around this town like a crazy person and crying myself to sleep every single night. But with those 2 words, he set me free. He broke some invisible thread that kept me bound to him. I sucked it up, I dealt with the shit he left me with and I did move on.

I won't go as far to say that I have fallen in love with someone else but I can tell you that I am well on my way to getting there. I am happy. I am in a happy, healthy relationship with a man that treats me exactly how I deserve. He thinks I'm funny, smart and beautiful. He tells me every day how special I am, how much he cares, and how lucky he is to have me. I never got that with Steven. It was never an expectation in my relationships that I be praised, or even be told how much I'm cared about. I had never had that before so I never knew how nice it was. An apology would be nice, but I know that he won't. He never does, it's not his "thing". But it's also not required. I don't need his pleading or graveling to satisfy and fill up some hole inside of me. I don't need him anymore. I haven't felt this happy, comfortable and loved in years. I guess you never know how much you missed something until you get it back. I started 2013 feeling confident, happy and ready for this next very exciting chapter of my life. If you had told me a year ago this is where I would have been, I would have told you that it was crazy. But I'm starting to believe that crazy is good. Crazy suits me. Especially when it's the best kind of crazy, the kind that makes you laugh, turns your world upside down and leaves you a better person when it's all done. Yeah, I can deal with that.

I might fall in love a little

I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if:
-you don't realize how good looking you are
-you employ old fashioned terms of endearment
-you do not bat an eye when I spontaneously launch into something weird
-you smell incredible
-you tell me about your dreams
-you distract me from my "real" life
-you know how to listen
-you are self-deprecating, but it comes off as funny, not uncomfortable
-we cannot stop laughing around each other
-you fall in love with me a little

Blessings

The last month of my life has been a bit of a whirlwind, to say the least. I think after my last post, I realized that I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't being true to myself and the things I want and need, especially in my relationships. I have really amazing friendships and really shitty relationships. Well, I wanted both to be amazing. And you know what, now I have it. I met this really great guy who appreciates me and my weirdness. He doesn't care about my past as long as it doesn't affect our future. He thinks I'm beautiful, funny, smart. He makes me feel like I am those things, to believe for the first time in my life that I am. I am comfortable with him and with who I am with him. I didn't know it could be this good, this easy. He's all these things I never knew I needed. It feels like everything that went wrong before was leading up to that moment when it all went right. I feel so incredibly blessed.

Does That Make Me Crazy? Possibly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well my crazy train stops here. I will NOT forgive him this time. He does not deserve my love or my friendship. Over the last couple years, I have given second (third, fourth, fifth) chances to men who are undeserving. This needs to change. Steven believes he can talk to me like I am insignificant, disposable. Do you know how hurtful that is coming from someone you spent nearly 3 years of your life in love with? But after this same type of fight several times, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of him telling me to leave HIM alone (as he's texting me repeatedly), of him telling me that he and I are never ever going to happen, of being told to move on. Well challenge accepted buddy. There are no take-backs this time. There are no drunken apologies and "I didn't mean it". Yes you did. And you know what, I don't care. I am better than this. I am better than you. And it really sucks that he treated me like this because I could have missed out on a really great relationship because I am fearful of being hurt again. So when I first saw something in Jared that held a glimmer of something that Steven did, I froze. I got fucking scared and I ended it. Chances are, Jared is not the right guy for me. But what happens if my fears make me end up losing the right guy? What if I don't ever get over this insecurity, this crippling fear of loving someone to actually love someone else? This is the damage Steven has done with his comments, his coldness, his meanness. I never imagined in my life I would fall in love with someone who is so much like Jeckyll and Hyde. That there could be someone who could fool me with his kindness, his determination, his humor and make me fall in love to flip a switch and become someone who seemingly gets his kicks off making me cry. There is something mentally, emotionally wrong with him and I am not going to waste any more of time trying to fix him. I am a strong girl, I am not a stupid girl. I just got lost my balance I guess. So now I pick up the pieces, I depend on the people that actually do love me and care about me, and get myself back. It's not going to be easy, I am so beyond messed up that I can't put into words how broken I have become. But I won't be like him. I won't hurt someone who loves me with all he has because someone else broke me. I won't take someone's genuine love and destroy it because I can. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe I'm just the one who got caught in his web, someone who played his game so well.

I hope you understand the gravity of what you’ve done. This isn’t like every other fight we’ve had when you drink too much and make me cry. This isn’t about you saying things you don’t mean, this is about you finally being honest with me and I just don’t care. You don’t get to apologize this time in a few days or weeks and come crawling back. There are no apologies that will fix this, there are no words you can say or things you can do to win me back this time. You have made what could be the greatest mistake of your life and I’m not going to be sorry for that. I don’t pity you for losing your cool or drinking too much. You are an adult that doesn’t even begin to know what respect is. You are a user, an emotional abuser and a liar. I’m just sorry that it took me 3 years to learn that. 

Kaleidoscope

I'm completely convinced that Taylor Swift broke into my house, stole my journal, photocopied it, and then put it back. I swear that the girl and I are cosmically connected and our breakups are freakishly alike. Lately, I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't been myself and I've let people who essentially don't matter at all get me down. I have let little comments and looks get under my skin and I've convinced myself that one of the nicest people I know was deliberately doing things to hurt me. That is how messed up I've been from my "break up" in February. I think that everyone is playing mind games and trying to break me. Thing is, when you've lost everything, all you have left is your strength.

I watched T Swift's new video for her song "I Knew You Were Trouble" and she has this monologue at the beginning, and anyone who knows me, knows this sounds exactly like something I would say or write:

"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes backs but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything that he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And crazy thing is I don't know that I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how could the devil be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it wasn't losing him, it was losing me.... I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are".

That's exactly how I feel about Steven. I don't know why I let him come back, because every time I lose him again, it hurts even more. And then I find myself sitting in my bed at night remembering everything about him. Trying so hard to put the pieces back together. But that's all it ever is, just pieces. It's never something whole, never something I can hold in my hands for too long. I don't understand how he can convince me to let him back under my skin. I know the outcome every single damn time. But I keep letting it happen. It's the same way you know that you should stop drinking at some point but the free fall is so intoxicating that you don't even care what's on the other side. One minute with him is better than two without. Those minutes without him though? They are torture. It's a mixture of anger and sadness and not being able to breathe or see straight. It's like trying to keep your balance on a tight rope. Essentially, you're terrified but you know you have to see it through because you're too far gone to ever go back.

...Blah.

I want to know that I am worth fighting for. I want to feel like I'm wanted and needed. It's ridiculous that I'm always the one left upset because I wanted more than what I was given. I want to be with a guy who will drive 2 hours to see me for 1, the guy who will just hold me when I'm feeling sad or down, a guy who understands what he has when he has it. You know what really upsets me? That at some point, he decided he wasn't going to fight for me, that he wasn't 100% in this thing, but he can turn around and 2 months later decide he can date someone else and be there for her. Maybe it's easier for her, maybe she doesn't ask much out of him, maybe she isn't trying to make him see his potential. Especially after the talk we had a few weeks ago. I thought that would make him try to get me back. He kissed me, he held my hand. Don't do those things if you aren't going to follow through. I don't know. All I know is that he was the last person I ever expected to hurt me. He was the last person I thought would give up on me. Guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I am always, always wrong about the men in my life.

Not the end

Through all the nights that I stayed up thinking about what I could have done trying to remember what it could have been, it never once did occur to me that maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe it wasn't either of our faults. I hated you for never telling me what it was but now I get it. Telling me would have broken my heart more than silently disappearing. And maybe secretly yourself didn't quite understand. But it's clear now. It wasn't you. And it wasn't me. It was the time, and it was the people we surrounded ourselves with. Not everything meshes perfectly. Maybe we did, but they didn't and at the time it was a package deal. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be sorry for anything. And I'm sorry you can't be either. Because it would all be so much simpler to hate you. And it would be easier. But it's not all so black and white. And I'm okay with that. I guess this is what they call closure. Our sad tale finally at an end. And while it may not be the happily every after that most girls dream of, I'm content with it. Because this means that it's not the end of me. __________________________ I wrote that 4 months ago about Steven when I believed he and I were done and he was never coming back. But then he did. And I don't know what I'm suppose to feel. He is the only guy I've ever been with that I actually want to be around all the time. I'm happy he's back. I feel whole again. But I keep holding my breath, waiting for him to leave again. I keep hoping this will be the time that it makes sense to him, that he will realize that being together is better. That we are better people when we have each other to reach out to. I don't know what to do to make him see that. So I just love him and hope it's enough.

The Weight of Goodbye

A strange thing happens when you make the mental decision to leave a place, regardless if it's a move taking place in the immediate future or quite some time away, you begin to crave closure. You inadvertently start tying up loose ends. If you're like me, you start with the person who saying goodbye to will probably hurt the most. It seems to make the next goodbyes a little easier.

While nothing is set in stone yet, it seems to be a very good possibility that I will be leaving this town I have called home for the last 6 years. My first reaction when I was offered this amazing opportunity was "I can't leave the place where he can always find me". At first I believed this meant Steven. The one that got away, the one I could never get to love me. But as more time as gone on this week and the idea of leaving it all behind sunk it, I realized that person I didn't want to leave behind wasn't just Steven. It's Jared as well. And so last night, I found myself crying and in deep conversation at 2 in the morning (perfectly normal time to have heart to hearts right?). And I don't think I found closure at all. Talking with Jared got a lot on the table that we both had been hiding away but all it made me do was fall back in love with the guy. Or at least the parts of him that I've always loved best. If I do leave, leaving him is going to be heartbreaking. I can't seem to figure out why it doesn't add up with us. It looks like it should but when I sit down and really think it over, there's always something missing. Some piece of him, some piece of me that doesn't work or doesn't exist. Maybe we need time and space to grow separately. But the idea of not running into him scares me. Because even though it gets hard to see him, when I catch a glimpse of him when I walk into somewhere that he's at, I feel like I've come home. But none of it makes sense. But I guess I just go and hope that if it's meant to be, we find our way back to each other. I can't stay here on a whim, on the tailend of a relationship that may never work. I did that 2 years ago.

I don't know what happens now. There are still a lot of details to work out and some discussions to be had. But I definitely feel the changes. I feel the weight of it in my hands. Nothing is going to stay the same anymore.

Be good to people.

Love often feels like a game we need to win. It's an especially difficult game to play when the person you love is always changing the rules, when this person is cold and pushes you away. I was there not that long ago. Sometimes, when I'm alone or there's a moment of quiet in my world, I'm right back there, in love with S and trying so hard to get him love me too. He is the permanent scar on my resume of relationships. He will forever be the one that hurt me most. He will be the tainted stain that stops me from letting myself love the good ones. Love often is a game we lose. But I can tell you one thing, it's not any more fun or any less hurtful being on the sidelines, waiting for your chance to jump in.

I will never claim to have all the answers because I am still learning and still growing. But I think what makes me a good source and a good shoulder to cry on is that I'm honest and truthful about my past. I know I've made mistakes and I've given chances to people who don't deserve them and didn't give second chances to those who were more than deserving. Love requires honesty, openness, and the ability to jump knowing a soft landing is never guaranteed. Happy playing ladies and gents. But remember, be honest. Be good to people.

The 6 Ex-Boyfriends You Will Encounter

As I am heading straight into my mid-twenties, I have had a good amount of relationship experience. All of my relationships have been significantly different, all of my boyfriends have been different types of men. Yet I have noticed, my friends have boyfriends that are the duplicate of some of my past ones. (And sometimes, one boyfriend will fit several of these descriptions. For me, his name started with a S)...

1. The "Not Around My Bros" Boyfriend
You will struggle with this boyfriend to be a part of his friend life. Because this is how it goes: He's got his bros and you don't possess a penis (this is really the only requirement to be in the Bros Club). You want to hang out with him with his friends around occasionally? Yeah, no. It might be weird... You want to hold his hand while co-mingling with the boys? No, don't do that. You are essentially the equivalent to his mother wiping his face with a spit soaked napkin in kindergarten. This Boyfriend would prefer you don't humiliate him.

2. The "Don't Be So Damn Crazy" Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend every day, are you trying to impede on his down time? Do you really have to text him EVERY DAY? Don't you understand that sometimes he just want to disappear off the face of the earth for a few days and leave you to agonize over what you could have possible done to upset him, only to be referred to as "crazy" (or it's annoying cousin, "crazy bitch") when you demand an explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being "crazy" if signs are shown of actually having a backbone.

3. The "Single Life" Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy being cheated on, because this Boyfriend will drive you mad while you insist that he just admit that he fucked up because you have all but photographic evidence that he has stepped out. He is there to make you doubt yourself and drive you crazy while he is off gallivanting around town, probably sexting the random girls he met at a bar. You can look forward to him simultaneously betraying your confidence and and telling you in all seriousness that he loves you and would never hurt you. This does not make the wounds he causes hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn't.)

4. The "Commitment? OH HELL NO" Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has a biological clock, much like the one your mother keeps reminding you that you have and should listen to because she wants grandbabies dammit! The difference here is that his clock is set to go off at the "Moment We Start to Get Emotionally Involved" and it has one function. When set off, watch out. It will make him run out the door so damn fast that his feet will literally catch fire. Enjoy becoming emotionally invested in him only to find out that he's the non-millionaire version of Carrie's Mr. Big, who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given amazing shoes as a goodbye gift.

5. The "Non-Boyfriend" Boyfriend
If it looks like a boyfriend, calls like a boyfriend, and seamlessly fits into you life like boyfriend, it's a boyfriend, right? Not with this Boyfriend. He will call you, not just late at night either. He will talk about your futures together, you will have sweet date nights, and he might even introduce you to important members of his family. But then it comes time for the talk, and he looks like at you like you're crazy. His favorite line will sound something like "I'm not ready for that, but aren't we having fun right now?" He will keep you hanging by a string, one that keeps you convinced that when he's ready for a relationship he will pick you. Chances are, he won't.

6. The "Heartbreaker" Boyfriend
Unlike the other relationships, the end of this one will come as a shock. As you're cruising along in a certain state of bliss, realizing that you are actually happy and kind of unsettled by the fact that nothing has gone wrong yet. He seems to have all the qualities you are looking for-including the one to enter into a relationship of mutual respect and commitment. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping through your fingers like sand, though you want to make yourself love him the way you did before. But then it's over. Like all the others, but without a satisfying feeling for getting rid of a guy who wasn't right for you, it's over.

And then you hope that (after a good amount of frog-kissing), that you are finally going to find that one Boyfriend who isn't going to end up an ex.