In the span of a year

It's amazing what a difference a year can make. On December 29, 2012, I embarked on a journey of love that has forever changed my life. A few short weeks after that on January 14, 2013, I officially found myself in a relationship. Probably before I was ready to be in it but I knew even back then that it wasn't the kind of love you keep waiting. It was this bug kind of love that turns your world upside down. And it really did. Tyler was more than I could ever imagine I needed or wanted. He made me better. He took all the pain of my past and all those let downs and he made it all make sense. Nothing before him was going to work our because it wasn't meant to. It was all leading to him. Every path, every broken heart, every night I wondered when I would get to finally be happy, it was all leading to that moment when he walked into my life. I never for a second would have thought he would ever walk out. Now a year after our love story began, we are watching it fall apart. And there isn't really anything for us to do to stop it. Our lives are leading us down paths that will be incredibly hard to make the same path. I didn't know my heart could hurt this much. I want to keep fighting for us because I still believe with everything I have that he's the one. But I cannot be in a relationship alone, I can't be the only who still has faith. He and I have been through so much and I know we are strong enough but I can't make him see my way. So now as one wonderful year of love comes to an end, we find ourselves embarking on a year full of heartache and wonder. Will we come out of this stronger? We will still want each other in the end? Will this next year make us or break us? I can only hope he finds his way back to me. I know I will still love him in 6 months, a year, 5 years.... The rest of my life. I want him forever. But it seems all I can do now is let him go.

Heartbreak

I think this is one of those things you don't recover from. You move on eventually, somehow. Only because you have to. You learn to breather again but you will never ever be the same. When something fragile breaks, you can glue the pieces back but it always feels different. You might even lose a piece or two and you're left with this nearly whole thing but it has some missing pieces, a few voids. I think that's my heart. I don't think I can put it back together. I've had my heart broken before, that's a known fact that I won't deny but I have never been shattered. I have never reached that point where I crumbled to a heap on the ground because the weight of the sadness was too much. But I did last night. I felt the worst kind of pain. Not a physical pain that pills or shots can numb but the pain of losing the thing you never imagined you would lose. I don't know how it gets better. I just know that it does. And now I have to get there because this is what he's making me do. I don't have any other choice than to let it go.

A little rant on respect

I think I hold people to too high of standards. I guess I'd like to think that most people in the world are like me and they respect each other, are kind to one another and care about the general well being of people. I give respect to people almost immediately only to be let down time and time again. I guess respect should be earned and not given. I hate feeling angry but I think I don't let myself be angry enough. Especially when someone disrespects me. Especially when that person is someone I hold to the highest level of respect, someone I love unconditionally (even when he doesn't deserve it) and would never ever intentionally hurt them. I don't know what I'm suppose to be feeling right now,  but it's shitty. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And he thinks it's fine because he said sorry. I get that things can be overwhelming sometimes and you need to take a step back and clear your head. But I'm not just some random person in his life, I'm his damn girlfriend and you pick up the phone when I call, you reply to my text messages. Even if it's just to tell me you need a little bit of space at the moment. I can deal with that. I cannot and will not deal with the disappearing acts. I've been in that relationship before and I came out broken and insecure. It's so disrespectful. You don't make someone you care about worry about you. Apparently I need to not be so damn nice. Apparently love and respect do not go hand in hand.

Hold Onto the Good

It has been a tough week for America. It has been a tough week for me. I guess I should start this blog with saying that Tyler and I are back together. Things aren't perfect and there are still things that need fixing but I think we both realized that we need each other now more than ever before. Life is tough. And things get hard and sometimes, life just sucks. It never fails that it will kick you when you're down. But if you push out all the good, all you're going to see is the bad. You're going to forget what it feels like to be happy. You're going to forget what it's like to feel good. It doesn't make sense to let go of someone who makes you happy. Not happy in the moment, not superficially happy. But if someone gets to your heart and genuinely makes you feel like a better person: YOU DON'T LET IT GO. I don't care if things feel hard or you feel overwhelmed. You take a deep breath, take a step back and talk it out. If what America has gone through lately has taught me anything, it's that life is incredibly short and things can change in a single instant. You have to love and love big. You have to tell people how you feel about them because you might never get a second chance. Live your life on your terms. I think what Tyler and I have realized is that the only two people who matter in our relationship are the two of us. Our family and friends might have their own opinions but at the end of the day, we have each other. And that's more than a lot of people can say. You can have money, you can have a dream job but if you don't have anyone to share your life with, it doesn't mean anything. We have to hold onto the good.

Broken

I guess it didn't matter if I was ready because he wasn't. My heart is shattered. It hurts to breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. Every piece of me misses him already. It's like a big hole is in my heart and I am never going to be the same.

Grown Up Love

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. No surprise there. It's a thought that is never that far away. I've started thinking about promises of forever.

In grade school, your forevers last for weeks. High school, they last months. In your college years and the few years that follow, those forevers can last years. Then you have that one promise of forever that will last, well... forever. Sometimes, even though I'm a hopeless romantic, I tend to look at love with my type A, meticulous personality. I make lists and I try to scientifically prove that I can make a promise of forever and keep it. Not for myself, but for Tyler. It's scary. I think that's how you know that you're really in love, when it becomes self-less. It stops being about me and what makes me happy and becomes more about how I can try not to ruin the life of the person I absolutely adore. I'm good at ruining things. I'm an expert at sabotage and I'm really good at blaming others when it all falls apart. I'm also really good at pretending that I can still run about doing whatever I want. But grown-up love it's like that. Grown up love isn't about what makes me happy, it's about doing whatever it takes to stay in love another day. And that will mostly be what makes me happy but sometimes, that very thing makes me want to throw things against the wall.

It's almost destructive to get everything you want. You spend so much time wishing for that job or that right love to come along so when you finally get it, you start to wonder if you even wanted it at all. So you start make shiny new wishes that put your other wishes to shame. That must be the secret to happiness-having it all and not taking another bite. To be content with all you have, with everything you wanted.

I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, to separate myself from everything I had and everything I knew. I did it and it wasn't enough...

I wanted a kind, trustworthy, best-friend kind of love that would never break my heart...

Somedays, it's tough. I have had moments when I'm sitting there, catching my teardrops in my hands wondering why I thought this was what I wanted in my life. I've thought about throwing in the towel but then I have that moment of realization. Nothing ever worthwhile is easy. And sometimes, to get what you want, you have to work at it. Most days, everything is pretty near perfect. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I just get scared, you know? I get scared of promising someone forever. Especially someone who was given that same promise before and it left him shattered. But as each day goes by, I am more assured that this is the person I need in my life. This is the person it all led up, why all those other forevers didn't last. This man makes me whole. And I need to work on not sabotaging all my happy because of my fears. You only get one forever, and I want to make this one count.

All Too Well

I own everything that has happened to me. I will tell my stories. If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

I think sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what I'm feeling, but it's all so complicated. There is just such a mess of feelings of going on. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And when I try to put all the pieces together, it doesn't make sense anymore. Trying to figure out the way I feel right now just doesn't work. Sometimes I think what I need to do is sit down and write about what happened, from the beginning all the way to the end. And maybe not try to sugar coat it or make it make any sense. I think I need to stop being afraid of how it's going to make me seem, like I might come off desperate or clingy. I think even though he broke me, I'm a little reserved about telling the truth about him because I did love him. But there's so much more to the story than anyone really knows. If I just tell the story of what happened, maybe I could find some closure or some clarity. In the beginning there was so much happiness and so much love. And then it all just went away. What happens to that love, where is it suppose to go? Even though I've moved on and I'm in a better place, sometimes I think I need to get it all out. It might help me let it all go. It might be the only way to save myself. Because right now, I remember it all too well.

But I can't go down that road tonight. It's going to take more out of me than I'm willing to let go of. It's going to take time and I don't know if I'm willing to give him another damn second of my life.